The other night on the phone G. and I had a conversation that has led my thoughts to go to places they haven't gone in a long time. In a discussion about French numbers, I told him that although I had taken French for three years in high school, by the third year I knew I wasn't capable of going anywhere with it because I'd never got the hang of it, so I'd started skipping classes that year. He made that noise that lets me know that I'm more than likely in trouble. I said that I didn't remember how many times I had skipped, and I doubted that it was as often as I'd skipped the first three hours of school when I'd been a freshman. That, of course, went over even less well than the first confession. I tell that part of the story so that I can get to this part. Now I can't get the thought of being punished out of my head. I'd been so stressed for the past six months that my brain couldn't get to those feelings often enough to be of any real help, so now I realize how much I've missed feeling those things. The slight fear of wondering what he'll use to spank me, wondering what he'll say, if he'll institute corner time during the punishment, because we've been talking about corner time lately, for the first time in years. It gives me a zing to think about all these things, even though I know that while it's happening I'll be anything but zingy. Once I'm in the punishment mindset I'll be done for emotionally. He'll spank me, I'm thinking multiple implements knowing him, and I'll become a blubbering mess. Then I'll become malleable to an extent where I'll agree to be a good girl for a very long time, if not forever. It won't last long, but while it does, I'll become very submissive. It happens every time. It's the only time I'm submissive. I'm too strong willed and obstinate to be submissive the rest of the time, so G. has to work fast to get the promises out of me that he wants.
Until the time comes that he does punish me for this, and I have no idea when that will be, I'll fantasize pretty much every possibility imaginable. Except that there are always possibilities I don't think of, because he's diabolical when it comes to punishments. He always manages to think up something so wrong and evil that there's no way I could ever think of it ahead of time. Maybe it's the Top thing, but he always manages to surprise me somehow. The fantasies I have about it are hot enough anyway, so they'll do until it happens. You'd think that fantasizing about it would lessen some of the impact of it, but being in the same room with G., especially when he's intent on teaching me a lesson, makes it very serious when the time comes. There's that Top thing that comes over him, which very few people have seen. He's all business then, and very resolute on getting the results he wants.
I have months to fantasize until then, and I'm going to take full advantage of that. Thinking about belts and paddles, and even the evil DUH (Depleted Uranium Hairbrush, which G. nicknamed), which is the heaviest hairbrush I've ever seen or felt, which we'd stopped using so long ago that I'd forgotten we even had it. I'm sure he'll want to use the Lexan paddle. It's big and very wrong, in my opinion!