I wrote this ten years ago, after I watched Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. The end of the movie made me realize that life doesn't work that way, that things don't just fix because of a few words. I was going to put it on my LiveJournal page, but I realized that it mentions kink, so the only place I can put it is on here. This is my safe place, along with Twitter. I can be who I am. This is a little dark, but it needed to be written.
There comes a time when you give up on what could’ve been, and accept what was. When you realize that wishing won’t change the past, and that even if you had the chance now, nothing would change. Real life doesn’t have a happy Hollywood ending, where everyone makes peace and there’s a plausible explanation for the hell you lived. The gentle giant you hoped was inside there somewhere never was, and the raging psychotic pedophile was all too real. What could’ve been never would’ve been, no matter what. Handing your innocence over to evil was the only other option, it would have given you what you wanted, the coveted “Daddy’s girl” status, but even in your naivete you couldn’t manage that. You had it, fleetingly, but then it was gone, stripped from you by your own innocent words, not knowing they would breed hate. The brutality was all you really remember, the short span of adoration obliterated by the years of emotional isolation, and the belt. You learned to sexualize the belt, only changing your inclination, not creating it. You are what you are, and the belt didn’t force it into being, it just changed its direction. You know that now, that there’s nothing wrong with what you have become, no matter what “they” say. You have taken back the power that was ripped from you so long ago. There was just a time when you would’ve done anything to have “what could’ve been”, but now you know better, and you accept what is.