Tuesday, March 27, 2012

G. means business

Because it had been so long since G. and I had done the rule thing, I was having a difficult time getting used to even trying to follow it.  My attitude was the opposite of what it needed to be if this was going to work.  I pushed and joked and generally acted like I wasn't about to start doing what G. wanted me to do.  I needed to know that G. was invested in this, because I wasn't sure if he was just doing it because I asked him to and not because he really wanted to help, so we discussed it the other night on the phone.  It turns out that he's more serious about it than I thought, so that every show of attitude was met with threats of dire consequences.  It's what I needed to hear.  It gave me boundaries that I hadn't had in a long time, and there are times when boundaries make me feel safe.  When everything else in my universe starts to fall apart, if I can go to G. and have him say, "This is as far as you're allowed to go.  ANYTHING beyond this point means you're going to get punished", then I have something I can hang on to.  It makes me feel settled.  Right now I need that, because everything else is chaos and frustration.  G. will punish me if I go beyond what we've decided on this rule about my attitude.  I hear the tone and I know I'm getting close to the line he's drawn, and sometimes I have to smash right up against it, but other times I just need to know that it's there and I can back off.  I like that.  I'd forgotten how much I like that, but I'm starting to remember.   

Monday, March 19, 2012

That old mindset isn't so easy

I'm sitting on a sore bottom right now.  I was on the mat last night for so long that I can still feel the effects, which never happens with the mat.  I thought I could do this rule thing again, and just be able to solve my problem fast.  Not so much.  Last night on the phone I kept pulling major attitude, and got into big trouble, hence sitting on the mat for a very long time. My attitude kept taking over, and I couldn't control it.  It's been so long that it's going to take longer than I thought to get me on track with just TRYING to follow the rule, let alone really working on it.  If I can get some time alone, I'm going to get really spanked.  By myself of course, but with the level we're going for, that won't matter. 

I know I need to start following the rule, but I got used to doing my own thing, and it's not easy reining that in.  I've allowed my control freak nature to take over, and now it's out of control.  Punishment is the only thing that works with me to change behavior, that's just the way it is.  So, for a while I'm going to be in big trouble because I haven't learned to keep my mouth shut when I should.  There's a noise I make when G. says something that essentially means "yeah, right".  That's mostly what got me into so much trouble last night, because it's become involuntary again, like the old days when I had more rules.  Back then I learned to control that.  I need to learn it all over again, and I think I'm going to have a very sore bottom until I do. 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I deserve a spanking

I've been a bad girl.  There are things I don't tell, things that would get me spanked if known.  I deserve to be spanked, hard.  No, very hard, with a belt, until sitting is something I don't want to do.  I want marks and bruises on my bare bottom to remind me what happens to bad girls.  To have my pants and panties yanked down, and to be pushed down on the bed as that scared/thrilled feeling floods me.  To hear the belt whistle through belt loops, knowing that it's only a matter of seconds before it whips down on my vulnerable bare bottom.  To feel the leather smack down hard so many times that I lose track of the number and of time.  To have so many land that I can still feel it against my bottom even after it's over.  To sob so hard that it drains everything from me, and I'm willing to surrender to it and the pain.  To be comforted afterward, and forgiven.  To be told that I'm a good girl again, and to believe it because I will have paid the price. 

Until then I am a bad girl, and I deserve a long, hard spanking. 

In need of balance

G. and I talked about my last blog post, and he offered a solution.  Best case scenario would be if I could get some time alone so that I could get spanked, but when he said that, I told him that was part of why I'm having such a hard time of things.  I never get any time home alone these days, so all the things I've used in the past to get myself back to normal are unavailable.  So we decided on mat time.  We haven't used that in a long time, but right now it's all he's got to inflict punishment.  We decided on a length of time, and smaller time increments to be added for each time that I get bossy or my attitude gets out of control.

I'd been cruising on my own with no rules for a few years, and I thought I was good with it.  I do what I want, when I want, with only a few glitches along the way, but now I realize I was missing something.  Depending on myself is good, and I'm capable of it almost all the time.  I needed the chance to see if I could do things on my own after G. being partially in charge for a good number of years, and I've proven that I can.  It's just that every once in a while I like being able to go to him and say, "Hey, I can't quite manage this one on my own, can you help me with it?"  Then I have backup again, and I can relax a little.  I have so much stress at home these days, and it's just been too much for me.  I hadn't realized how bad it had become, but now that I have a rule in place again, I'm noticing just how messed up things are.  I'm not looking for him to take over permanently or even completely for a limited time, but he cares about me and he's willing to help when I need it.  I didn't even have that when I was married all those years ago, because that guy wasn't able to keep HIMSELF together, let alone help me.  Also, I hadn't accepted the kink at that point.  I knew I had it, but was still thinking it was a problem.  Now that I know who I am and what I need, next I need to learn to recognize when the balance has gone out of my universe.  That's when my frustration levels go through the roof and stupid little things make me go off.  Being a control freak doesn't help either.  It makes me want everyone to do what I want them to do, and that rarely happens.  I can't do that with G. because he's the one who's in charge.  I have to just accept whatever happens.  If we saw more of each other, maybe that would transfer to the rest of my life, but even after all this time, because we aren't in the same space most of the time, I can't seem to make it work on my own.  I need his balance.  I need to know that I don't always have to be the grownup.  I need a safe place to go, even if it's only mentally and emotionally.  I have it back, and it's very nice.   

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I need an attitude adjustment

I know, normally we don't admit to something like that.  We're supposed to act all innocent when a Top tells us that we need an attitude adjustment, as though we have no idea what they're talking about.  We normally act as though it's an insult because we always behave.  Well, It's been too damn long since I've been spanked.  G. spanked me in October, but that was five months ago.  Since then I've been able to do maybe two short spanking sessions on my own, neither of which were enough, and even that was a couple months ago.  Nobody ever leaves the damn house at the same time, which means that somebody else is always home.  I need time to myself sometimes, but I can't seem to get it these days.  I need one of my old Saturday morning 3 hour spanking sessions.  Not getting spanked the whole time, of course, but all activities centered on punishment.  It helps me refocus on what I should be doing.  I get into a certain kind of mindset and it gets me to stop being so scattered.  At this point I can't focus on much of anything, and my bossiness is coming back out to mess with things.  I'm something of a control freak, but if I get spanked enough, I seem to be able to control it.  Not lately though, it's screwing up the works.  I need G. to take charge again for a little while, to get me back to where I need to be, at least in this one area.  I need to be spanked, hard.  I need him to tell me what will happen because I've become bossy again.  It's something that just happens, I don't realize it until I'm in the middle of it, and then it's next to impossible to pull back from it because I get in that mood where I need the control.  G. had me out of it for a while, but things are stressful here these days, and I don't tell him about it most of the time.  It's causing problems between me and Mom, so I need to get it under control again.

This isn't a fun post, or a sexy post, but it needs to be written.  I've had this underlying mood lately, and it's getting on my nerves.  I don't do well when I have to be the grown up ALL the time.  I learned that when I was married and my then husband was NEVER the adult, which meant I had to be.  I've been the adult for long enough now.  I need to be taken in hand again for a little while.  Just long enough to get some balance back in my universe because there's none right now.  I know that I need to be spanked right now, even if I have to do it myself.  I also need G. to scold me some, to get me to think about what the hell I've been doing.  My frustration levels are high, and that's what pushes the control freak to do stupid things.