Thursday, August 2, 2012

20 years ago today

Yesterday I realized that today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary.  It made me very happy that it wasn't.  I couldn't imagine still being married to my ex.  My life would be hell if we'd stayed together.  I married him at an age where I thought that if I asked nicely, he would oblige my kink.  Well, that didn't work, because he didn't understand it.  Not only was he vanilla, he didn't even have an imagination.  The only reason we didn't do it in the missionary position was because he had bad knees, so we had to do it with me on top.  EVERY TIME.  No variation.  It was okay at first, but after a while it got old.  Until it got to be rare.  After the first few years we had sex once a month.  Then it happened even less.  By the time he left we hadn't had sex in almost six months.  Later on I found out that he had been planning on leaving for about nine months, so it made sense then.  I hadn't been happy anyway.  The couple times I had talked him into Topping me, he had no idea what to do, and constantly Topping from the Bottom took all the joy out of it for me.  It turned out that, even though he was vanilla, he was THE most submissive man I'd ever met.  He couldn't stand up for himself, even with me, and I needed him to at times.  I needed him to take charge when I couldn't do it myself.  He was incapable of it, and I became bossier as time when on.  I only did it out of complete frustration at having married a man who refused to have a backbone about ANYTHING.  He only knew how to be passive aggressive instead.  I didn't have access to the internet back then.  Hell, it took a couple years before I even knew about the internet, and then I didn't know that there were people on it who wanted to be spanked like me.  So for five and a half years I was stuck in a marriage where my needs couldn't be met, and the only way I could get off during sex was to fantasize about spanking in my head.  When he left, on April Fool's Day no less, I was upset only at the thought that I wouldn't be married anymore.  I liked the being married part, because I liked having the status it seemed to give me.  I had no problem sleeping by myself, and five days later, I got over it.  When he left, there was no note, no message on the machine, nothing.  I had no idea what exactly had gone wrong for HIM.  I still don't.  On the fifth day I was finally able to get his uncle on the phone, who told me that no matter what I did, he wasn't coming back.  I made the decision in that moment that I wasn't going to fight to keep him, since he obviously didn't want to be with me.  I haven't seen or talked to him since the morning of April 1st, 1998.  He was even too much of a coward to let me be in court for the divorce.  

Six months later, my great aunt gave me her Webtv box.  I couldn't afford a computer back then, and this gave me the access to the internet.  By then I knew that there were spanking sites on the internet, so I went to those, but it was the day I went searching for newsgroups that my life changed forever.  I found soc.sexuality.spanking, and there were all these people on there, talking about spanking like it was the most normal thing in the world, and also about every day things that proved to me that they were like everybody else.  I had always thought I was sick and twisted for wanting to be spanked, and my ex's opinion of the whole thing hadn't helped change that.  For the first time in my life I felt like I was home.  I was connected to people who finally understood me.  I lurked for all of about a week, and then I couldn't take it, I started commenting on posts.  I officially delurked on October 30, 1998, and became a real part of the group.

I had been repressed sexually my whole life, mostly because of my need to be spanked.  I had thought it was an impossible need, something I'd only be able to fantasize about for my whole life.  Finding the group showed me that I could have what I wanted and needed.  It freed me.  At my first party, less than a year later, I felt like I was born to do what we do.  I wanted to experience it all, and I did my best.  I was a kid in a candy store.  A wonderfully amazing kinky candy store, and I loved it.  I was finally able to be the person I was meant to be.  It was the start of my new life, the beginning of what's been an amazing adventure.        

Twenty years ago today I got married, thinking that was going to be the rest of my life.  The best thing my ex ever did was to leave when he did.  I was in my mid 30's, just coming into my own, with the opportunity to find out who I was for the first time.  I explored everything, finding out what I liked, what I didn't like, what I wanted, what I needed, and what was essential to my being when it came to kink.  The only thing that bothers me now is that I can't be open about who I really am with most people.  Some day I hope that changes too.   



Anonymous said...

This moved me. Times flies by at a epic pace.

I think the most profound feeling in the world is not to just love, but to feel understood and that we are not alone.

Kink is so many things, but most often so misunderstood and heartbreaking when we share it with the people we love the most.

But we have all found each other, and that is something.

If nothing else Jen, we have Foamy :)
Love newt :)

Jen said...

Yes, we have found each other. Twitter is my new home, where SSS left off. Some of the same people are even on Twitter, so it definitely feels like I belong.

Making ourselves vulnerable by telling somebody about our kink is so risky. I'm not even sure my ex understood it. He knew what I wanted him to do, but he couldn't do it, and didn't understand WHY I needed it. Part of that may have been on me, because I didn't understand it then either. I just knew I did.

Foamy RULES! : )