Monday, March 19, 2012

That old mindset isn't so easy

I'm sitting on a sore bottom right now.  I was on the mat last night for so long that I can still feel the effects, which never happens with the mat.  I thought I could do this rule thing again, and just be able to solve my problem fast.  Not so much.  Last night on the phone I kept pulling major attitude, and got into big trouble, hence sitting on the mat for a very long time. My attitude kept taking over, and I couldn't control it.  It's been so long that it's going to take longer than I thought to get me on track with just TRYING to follow the rule, let alone really working on it.  If I can get some time alone, I'm going to get really spanked.  By myself of course, but with the level we're going for, that won't matter. 

I know I need to start following the rule, but I got used to doing my own thing, and it's not easy reining that in.  I've allowed my control freak nature to take over, and now it's out of control.  Punishment is the only thing that works with me to change behavior, that's just the way it is.  So, for a while I'm going to be in big trouble because I haven't learned to keep my mouth shut when I should.  There's a noise I make when G. says something that essentially means "yeah, right".  That's mostly what got me into so much trouble last night, because it's become involuntary again, like the old days when I had more rules.  Back then I learned to control that.  I need to learn it all over again, and I think I'm going to have a very sore bottom until I do. 

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