G. and I talked about my last blog post, and he offered a solution. Best case scenario would be if I could get some time alone so that I could get spanked, but when he said that, I told him that was part of why I'm having such a hard time of things. I never get any time home alone these days, so all the things I've used in the past to get myself back to normal are unavailable. So we decided on mat time. We haven't used that in a long time, but right now it's all he's got to inflict punishment. We decided on a length of time, and smaller time increments to be added for each time that I get bossy or my attitude gets out of control.
I'd been cruising on my own with no rules for a few years, and I thought I was good with it. I do what I want, when I want, with only a few glitches along the way, but now I realize I was missing something. Depending on myself is good, and I'm capable of it almost all the time. I needed the chance to see if I could do things on my own after G. being partially in charge for a good number of years, and I've proven that I can. It's just that every once in a while I like being able to go to him and say, "Hey, I can't quite manage this one on my own, can you help me with it?" Then I have backup again, and I can relax a little. I have so much stress at home these days, and it's just been too much for me. I hadn't realized how bad it had become, but now that I have a rule in place again, I'm noticing just how messed up things are. I'm not looking for him to take over permanently or even completely for a limited time, but he cares about me and he's willing to help when I need it. I didn't even have that when I was married all those years ago, because that guy wasn't able to keep HIMSELF together, let alone help me. Also, I hadn't accepted the kink at that point. I knew I had it, but was still thinking it was a problem. Now that I know who I am and what I need, next I need to learn to recognize when the balance has gone out of my universe. That's when my frustration levels go through the roof and stupid little things make me go off. Being a control freak doesn't help either. It makes me want everyone to do what I want them to do, and that rarely happens. I can't do that with G. because he's the one who's in charge. I have to just accept whatever happens. If we saw more of each other, maybe that would transfer to the rest of my life, but even after all this time, because we aren't in the same space most of the time, I can't seem to make it work on my own. I need his balance. I need to know that I don't always have to be the grownup. I need a safe place to go, even if it's only mentally and emotionally. I have it back, and it's very nice.