Tuesday, March 27, 2012

G. means business

Because it had been so long since G. and I had done the rule thing, I was having a difficult time getting used to even trying to follow it.  My attitude was the opposite of what it needed to be if this was going to work.  I pushed and joked and generally acted like I wasn't about to start doing what G. wanted me to do.  I needed to know that G. was invested in this, because I wasn't sure if he was just doing it because I asked him to and not because he really wanted to help, so we discussed it the other night on the phone.  It turns out that he's more serious about it than I thought, so that every show of attitude was met with threats of dire consequences.  It's what I needed to hear.  It gave me boundaries that I hadn't had in a long time, and there are times when boundaries make me feel safe.  When everything else in my universe starts to fall apart, if I can go to G. and have him say, "This is as far as you're allowed to go.  ANYTHING beyond this point means you're going to get punished", then I have something I can hang on to.  It makes me feel settled.  Right now I need that, because everything else is chaos and frustration.  G. will punish me if I go beyond what we've decided on this rule about my attitude.  I hear the tone and I know I'm getting close to the line he's drawn, and sometimes I have to smash right up against it, but other times I just need to know that it's there and I can back off.  I like that.  I'd forgotten how much I like that, but I'm starting to remember.   


Newt Kai said...

So U crave limits. A safe space. A safe room even. In the confines of his voice and direction, you find order. from their you see your view. Right now that is who you are. A cared for room , with a view.

Sometimes the harder they crack down, the easier it gets. Or like me the opposite. 51 flavors Jen. :)

Jen said...

It depends on my mood. I hadn't wanted limits for the past few years, but so many things in my normal life away from the kink have been going haywire, and my attitude was spiraling out of control. I realized I needed to be reined in some, and G.'s always been able to do it. I didn't realize until Sunday night when we talked on the phone about it, that I needed him to law down the law and give me those boundaries again.

Serenity Everton said...

I know from my own experience that discipline doesn't mean anything unless the person providing it is invested - either in me or in my actions. So I completely understand why you went and sought reassurance from G about his interest. If it didn't matter to him, then why should it to you?

But seriously. I would NOT have fixed that thing you have to use.

Serenity :)

Jen said...

Exactly. I was having trouble getting into the mindset I needed, because I wasn't sure how much he was willing to do.

I HAD to fix it! LOL It's the quietest implement I own, and in an apartment, that's important. I wouldn't be able to get ANY spanking in otherwise!