Sunday, July 31, 2011


I've known for a little while that there's no way I can come up with the money for Worldcon.  I had all these plans to do it, even if it meant borrowing it, but it's not happening, and it's better not to go into debt to do it.  But it means that I won't see G.  I haven't seen him in three years, and it's getting to me.  The only thing that makes it okay that I'm not going to see him is that I have a plan for a couple months from now when I have more money.  It will allow me to either bring him here, or for me to go there, depending on what he's willing to do.  Either way it'll work for me.  I'll get spanked for real and not just from myself, and things will be good again.  I haven't been spanked in so long I've forgotten what it's like to be in the same room and under his control.  I want that, I need that, and I'm going to do what I can to make it happen.  I have to talk to him about it tonight, so we'll see how it goes. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

A Need Fulfilled-Part 2

The next night was Sunday, which meant I had to go to bed early. I didn't know how I was going to manage to get to bed so early, when I was used to staying up until one or two in the morning. Going to bed the same day I woke up just wasn't normally in the cards. I got into bed, expecting to lie there for hours, but surprisingly, I was asleep in half an hour. When the alarm went off in the morning I woke up right away, and didn't hit the snooze alarm once. I got to work in plenty of time for the first time in ages.

The rest of the week went along essentially the same way. I thought I had this thing licked, and that the bedtime would be very temporary. I had hope that I wouldn't need rules for very long. When I called Kate that Friday, she was very pleased that I was following the rule so well, and called me a good girl. That made me happy, because I wasn't used to hearing that. It made me want to keep being a good girl and doing what Kate wanted me to do.

The next week started well enough, I kept to my bedtime and woke up when I was supposed to. Then on Thursday, some of the women at work asked if I wanted to go with them for a night out. Forgetting what Kate had told me about asking permission, I told them I'd go. We went to a bar, and the next thing I knew, it was one in the morning. By the time I got home it was closer to two, but I figured that I'd already broken the rule, a little longer wouldn't make any difference. When the alarm went off five and a half hours later, I hit the snooze button three times and ended up being late for work. Realizing that I would have to call Kate later that day and confess to what I'd done, I was nervous all day at work, and easily flustered. By the time I got home I was so frazzled I didn't know which way was up.

I was desperate for an excuse to use as I dialed Kate's number. It was only the second week and I had already screwed up, big time. I don't just mess things up a little, when I do it, I do it big, and this was no exception. I knew I was in for it.
"Hello Sarah," Kate said.

Damn Caller ID, I couldn't just hang up and pretend I hadn't called. "Hi Kate," I answered nervously.

"So, how did the week go," she asked. I thought I detected something in her voice that told me she knew something was up.

"It went really well most of the week," I said, trying to put the best angle on it that I could.

"Most of the week," she asked, in a tone I wasn't used to. It wasn't accusatory, but it seemed to drip impending doom.

"Yeah, most of the week. Last night was a little bit off........." I said, trailing off, not willing to give it all up at once.

"What do you mean, a little bit off," she asked. The tone got more ominous.

"Well, some friends at work wanted me to go out with them last night after work, and I got home a little bit late," I said.

"How late," she asked.

"Um.......almost two o'clock," I said, almost under my breath. I wanted the impact to be as small as possible.

"That's not "a little bit late" Sarah, that's very late," Kate said sternly,"why weren't you watching the time?"

"We were having such a good time that I didn't notice the time until one o'clock, and then I figured I was already in trouble, so I just stayed," I said, thinking it couldn't get worse than it already was.

"I see," Kate said.

I didn't like the sound of that tone at all. It told of more than impending doom, it announced the demise of my poor bottom.

"I also hit the snooze button three times this morning and ended up being late for work," I said in a furious rush, hoping she wouldn't notice all of it.

"I obviously have my work cut out for me on Sunday. Be here at noon, if you know what's good for you," Kate said.

"Are you mad at me," I asked.

"Not mad, just disappointed," Kate said,"I hadn't expected you to disregard my instructions so blatantly. I told you that you could ask for permission if there was a reason you wanted to stay up late."

My heart dropped into my stomach when she said the word disappointed. I hadn't meant to disappoint her, and now I felt even worse. "I forgot," I admitted.

"Obviously," Kate said,"so we'll take care of your memory problem on Sunday too."

"Yes, ma'am," I said. There was that word again.

"See you on Sunday, Sarah, and don't be late," Kate said.

"I'll be there," I said,"bye."

"Goodbye Sarah," Kate said, that tone still evident.

I felt awful. I hadn't meant to disobey her, and I had forgotten about asking permission. It hadn't been on purpose. I'd never cared about disappointing anybody before, so this was a new situation for me. Was I going to be good from now on just so I wouldn't disappoint her? I never wanted to hear that tone in her voice again, I knew that much.

I was up early Sunday morning, so nervous I couldn't eat anything. All I could think about was what was going to happen. I wondered how bad it would be. She had only spanked me with her hand that night at the party, and that had been bad enough, but I had seen what had happened when she used the hairbrush on Julie's bottom. I couldn't imagine being on the receiving end of that. I knew I would find out soon enough.

Before I could chicken out, I drove to my appointment with doom. I stood at Kate's door and rang the doorbell right at the stroke of noon. I didn't dare risk being even one minute late. I was already in enough trouble. When she opened the door there was only a trace of the sternness I had heard on the phone. Even that small amount had an effect in person. I tried not to let my nervousness show.

"I'm glad to see that you decided to obey me this time," she said.

"I've been up for hours, there was no chance of sleeping late," I blurted out.

"Good. Come in, I'm not about to spank you on the front porch," Kate said, sneaking in a little humor to break the tension,"At least not yet."

I entered the house, and had to look at her to make sure she was kidding about that last part. At this point I wasn't sure what she was capable of. Anything to teach me a lesson, I expected.
It didn't take any time for her to get down to business. There was a straight-back chair in the middle of the living room, and a small paddle and a hairbrush were on a table next to the chair. My knees almost buckled at the sight of them.

She sat down on the chair, and I stood in front of her. Part of me wanted this spanking, so that she wouldn't be disappointed in me anymore. As she put me over her knee and pulled my pants and panties down in one swift motion, I knew this was going to be much worse than the one at the party.

In my position over her knee, I couldn't see which of the two implements she picked up, but with the first smack I knew it was the paddle. I squeaked, not expecting it to be so hard right from the start.

"This is a punishment spanking, there aren't any warm-ups before a punishment spanking,"Kate said,"the paddle is for not asking permission and deciding to break the rule, and the hairbrush is for deciding that since you were in trouble already that you might as well stay out later."

The paddle was small, but brutal. The sting built up immediately, and was close to intolerable almost as fast. I kicked and squirmed and tried to get away, but Kate's grip was much too tight. There was no chance of escape. I was trapped, to be spanked unmercifully for as long as Kate wanted. My bottom was on fire in short order, and I panicked, thinking there was no way I would be able to stand it. I had no idea how long she spanked me, it just seemed to go on forever.

Suddenly the sting of the paddle was replaced by the intense burn of the hairbrush. I screamed at the first splat of that evil thing against my bare bottom, but there was no let up. The helpless I had felt at the party overtook me again, and I was crying hard in short order. The helplessness became remorse, and I was genuinely sorry for having disobeyed her. The hairbrush did its work, and I was a very sorry girl.

When Kate was satisfied that I had learned my lesson, the spanking ended. I was exhausted, having cried myself out over her knee, so all I could do was lie there in misery. She lifted me off her lap after pulling up my pants, and led me to the couch. She hugged me and rubbed my back.

"Do you forgive me," I asked through my sniffles.

"Of course, dear. You've been punished, and it's over now. I know you'll try your best to be a good girl from now on," Kate said.

"Yes ma'am, I definitely will," I assured her. I meant it. I didn't want another spanking like that ever again.
"I'm glad. I don't like having to punish you, but I'll always do it when it's needed," Kate said, letting me know that she was serious.

We had lunch after that, and when I left we were on very good terms again. From then on I tried to keep to my bedtime, and succeeded most of the time, but there were still spankings for that and other rules that she put in place later on. Kate made all of them count, but none were as memorable as that first day, when I learned that when Kate says to do something, you do it.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

A Need Fulfilled-Part One

I forgot about this story.  I wrote it a couple years ago, but never used it for anything.  It's long, so I have to post it in parts.  It's fiction, but it's written in the first person.


From early on I knew that I lacked something. A strong female figure, willing to take charge. Even though outwardly I followed the rules, internally I was missing the guidance, and I craved it. I had always been thrilled by the thought of being spanked, but it never happened, not with my permissive upbringing. My hopes rose when I entered the scene, finding people to spank me, because there were women who spanked other women. I didn't act on my inclination for a long time, because there always seemed to be something holding me back. The time didn't seem right, or the women I met weren't the right type. It seemed I always found an excuse. That was until I met Kate.

I first saw her at a party. It was impossible not to notice her, she was sitting in the middle of the room spanking a younger woman. She had the woman over her knee, and she had this maternal air about her, caring but stern. The longing rose up in me again, watching the scene, and I wanted to be the one over her knee, being scolded and spanked. She was saying all the things I had always fantasized that a mother would say to a misbehaving daughter. It sent a shiver through me, and I couldn't look away. When the scene was over, Kate hugged the woman, whose name I didn't know, and the younger woman had a very content look on her face, even after what had seemed like a very intense scene.

I stood where I was, afraid to move, afraid to approach Kate. She seemed so formidable, and it still seemed like too large a risk, even with my need prodding me to take that risk. It wasn't that I was afraid that she wouldn't want to spank me, because obviously she had no problem spanking women. I just didn't know her very well, and I didn't know if she wanted to deal with someone who placed so much importance on a mother/daughter scenario. There was so much emotion involved in it for me that I thought it could possibly make her uncomfortable.

"Hi Sarah. I saw you watching when I was spanking Julie," I heard a voice behind me say.

I turned, and there was Kate. I had been so deep in thought that I hadn't noticed her approach me. "Oh yeah, well I think we all were. It was impressive," I said.

"I think you were watching more intently than most," Kate said, "as if you wanted to be where Julie was."

I panicked, and couldn't look her in the eye. Was I that obvious? I felt as thought I had a huge sign plastered across my body that said, "I need a woman to spank me" in foot tall letters.

"I know the look, dear," Kate said, acknowledging my thoughts.

She was much taller than me, and it was like a child looking up into a mother's face when I met her gaze. Up close I could tell that she was a good two decades older than me, but that only helped fuel my longing. Not just her mouth smiled at me, her eyes seemed to as well. I suddenly felt at ease, and forgot all about my panic. I wanted to tell her everything about my desire to be taken in hand by a strong woman who knew how to deal with a naughty girl, even if that "girl" was in her thirties. It came out as a jumble, and neither of us understood what I was trying to tell her.

She put her hand on my arm, stopping me mid ramble. "Why don't we find a quieter place to talk, and then you can tell me everything."

I could only nod and follow her to the far corner of the room, where we sat at an unoccupied table. "Now, take a deep breath, and let's try to make sense of that jumble you were trying to tell me," Kate said.

I did as she said, trying to slow my breathing down enough to talk. Now that I had the chance, I didn't want to mess it up.

"I've always been into spanking, but my parents raised me very permissively. I've always wanted a strong woman to take me in hand, to help me fix the things about me that need fixing. I thought there wasn't much chance of it happening, but when I watched you spanking Julie, I wanted to be in her place. I felt stuck where I was, like I was seeing my own future. I want it to be my future, but I wasn't sure how to ask you," I said, getting calmer the longer I talked.

"Now that I understood. I think I can help you. If your childhood was as permissive as you think it was, then we have a lot of work to do. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run. You have to have self discipline to get ahead in life, and if you didn't learn it through discipline as a child, there's no way you'd have it as an adult," Kate said, as if this new situation was already arranged. "Tell me what areas of your life you're having the most problem with, and we'll work on those first."

I was stunned. I hadn't expected her to agree so easily. I thought I would have to beg and plead, at least a little. "Well," I stammered, all nervous again. "I never seem to be able to get anything done on time, so deadlines at work are next to impossible. I can't seem to keep my spending under control, so all of my credit cards are maxed out most of the time. I eat all wrong, when I remember to eat at all, and I don't sleep unless I'm so exhausted that I end falling asleep on my couch almost every night. I'm a mess."

Kate sat silently for a few minutes. I started thinking that I had scared her, that I was too much to deal with. I already thought of myself as a hopeless case, so it was easy to think she did too. When she finally spoke, it was a surprise.

"First things first. We need to get you on a regular sleep schedule. Nothing in your life will go the way it's supposed to until your mind is clear, and it can't be when you don't sleep. That means a strict bedtime until you learn to go to sleep when you should. It may take a while, and I'm not expecting perfection, but if you break the rule, you will be spanked," she said firmly.

A scared thrill went through my entire body. This was something straight out of my dreams, but it was real. I couldn't believe she was agreeing, and taking charge so fast. It was more than I could have hoped for. But could I follow rules? I never had before, at least not with any regularity. I wanted to though, because my life was becoming ridiculously out of control.

"Okay," I said finally. "If you're willing to help me, I would be stupid to pass up the chance. How do we start? How will you make sure I'm following the rules?"

"We start now. From here on out, I'm in charge, at least as much as you've put me in charge. I'll know whether you're following the rules or not because you're going to tell me. Once a week, on Fridays, you'll call me and give me a report on how things have been going. If there are any transgressions, you'll tell me about them, and we'll meet on Sunday to deal with them," Kate said, all business.

"You mean I'm supposed to tell on myself," I asked.

"Exactly," Kate said,"because you want this, and the part of you that wants this will tell me if you break the rules. It may not make any sense now, but in time it will. If you're really as serious about turning your life around as you say you are, you'll do it."

"I am serious, it just seems weird for me to tell you when I need to be punished, because I've spent my life avoiding that," I said.

"Which is why you asked me to help. You've never been held accountable for anything, but that's about to change," Kate answered, getting up from the table. "Now I think you should experience a little of what's in store for you."

I stood up, not knowing what was about to happen. We left the room, and went out into the hallway. We walked a short way to her room, which was down the hall from the room where the party was being held. She took me by the hand, led me to the bed, and sat down on the edge of it. She positioned me in front of her, gave me a questioning look, and I nodded. The next thing I knew, I was across her lap. I had no idea how she'd managed to do it so easily. I did know that I was staring at the carpet, about to be spanked.

She started slowly, flipping up my skirt and spanking my panty covered bottom with her hand. The smacks were deliberate, but not hard. I could tell she was holding back, because I had seen her spanking Julie with much more force. She covered my entire bottom with smacks. Just as the heat built to a stinging feeling, I felt her reach into the waistband of my panties and pull them down. I had a momentary feeling of dread and panic, and tensed up.

"Don't be silly, Sarah, I have to spank your bare bottom. Relax," Kate said.

The panic left me, and with my panties down around my knees, she continued the spanking. I didn't know if it was the lack of protection or if she was spanking harder, but there was a definite difference in what I was feeling. That mild sting was building in intensity, and her hand felt more like a paddle than a hand. I started squirming, and she tightened her grip around my waist. Suddenly her focus went from spanking all of my bottom to my sit spots and thighs, and with much more force. My squirming turned to struggling, which seemed to make her more determined. Sounds came out of me that I don't remember having ever made before, and then I noticed the tears. I'd never cried from any spanking in a scene, and couldn't believe it was happening now. Soon the tears turned to sobs, at my feelings of helplessness and frustration of not being able to get free. I cried like I had never cried before, but the spanking continued. The crying was tiring me out, and eventually I couldn't keep up the fight and just slumped in defeat, accepting whatever she gave. She slowed the smacks then, and then stopped completely. The spanking might have been over, but I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't see through the tears, the carpet was a blur. I felt her rub my back, and it helped calm me down. She pulled my panties back up, and helped me up, sitting me next to her on the bed. Without thinking, I put my head on her shoulder, and she put her arm around me. I didn't know what possessed me to do that, I just suddenly felt very connected to her, and she didn't seem to mind.

"Feel better," she asked.

"Yes ma'am," I said.

Where did that come from, I wondered. It surprised me, because I hadn't planned on saying it. I'd never said that to anyone in my entire life. I didn't say Sir or Ma'am, it went against everything I was. I wasn't raised to say it, and had never seen the need for it, and here I was, saying it unbidden.

"I'm glad," Kate said.

I raised my head to look at her. "I've never called anyone ma'am before," I told her.

"You've never had anyone take control of you before, so you never felt the need to," she said,"so maybe it's more natural to you than you think, if it happened so easily."

"Maybe you're right. You don't mind," I asked.

"Of course not. I never demand it, so if it happens, I know that it's heartfelt," she said, with that same smile in her eyes that I saw earlier.

"We need to decide on a bedtime for you now," she continued,"something that will allow you to get a normal amount of sleep from now on. What time do you get up in the morning for work?"

"My alarm goes off at 7:30, but then I hit the snooze alarm a few times and end up getting up at the last minute. I barely get to work on time," I admitted.

"Then you need to go to bed early enough so that you're not hitting that snooze alarm. I think that 11:30 on work nights should do it," Kate said.

"11:30! That's too early! I couldn't get to sleep till midnight at least," I complained.

She pulled me towards her by my arm, which lifted me off the bed, and gave my bottom a hard smack.

"Ow! Sorry," I said, chastened.

"Good, you're learning. The 11:30 bedtime is only for work nights. What you do on the weekends is up to you, because you don't have to get up early. When you get to the point where you can wake up with your alarm and not be tired all the time on work days, then we'll talk about changing it," Kate said.

"I guess," I said," it just seems so early."

"When you get used to it you won't think it's so early," Kate said.

"What if something comes up and there's something I want to stay up late for," I asked.

"Then you can call and tell me what it is, and ask if you can stay up later. It's always better to ask permission first than to ask for forgiveness later," Kate said, not allowing for arguments.

"I think I can live with that," I said,"as long as there's room for exceptions."

We exchanged phone numbers and she gave me her address, and I agreed to call her the next Friday, which was a little less than a week away.

"Then it's settled. Let's go back to the party now," Kate said, standing up and going to the door.

I followed, and we went back to join the party, but I felt different somehow. Quieter, more settled. I kept watching Kate for the rest of the night, in admiration and respect for her style and her strength. She had impressed me more than I had realized at first.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Balancing Act

I'm a bad girl. The problem is that knowing that makes me hot. I know I should want to be a good girl, and I do, but hearing him call me a bad girl and getting spanked for it makes me even hotter. It's difficult to follow rules and do what I'm told. I'm stubborn, which makes learning compliance a problem. Embarrassment is effective, but also a turn-on. It's all such a balancing act, be good and don't get spanked except for good girl spankings, or be bad and get punished. Punishment spankings are a deterrent, but again, a turn-on.

He urges me to be good, to do what I'm supposed to, and I want to, but I don't want to. Being punished is hot, after the spanking is over. He likes it when I'm a good girl, but he also likes to spank me hard. I know it turns him on when my butt turns red and I'm fighting against the spanking, to the point of crying. He likes the good girl in me, but punishing me is something he likes too much to want to give up completely. I don't think either of us could give it up, so even if it's been months between punishments, we always go back to it. His threats and growls of impending doom for my poor bare bottom give me a shiver of delight and fear. When I feel his hand on my back, pushing me down on the bed for a spanking, that thrill/panic goes through my whole body. I love those moments, before the pain becomes too much, pushing me over the edge into remorse and tears. The remorse lasts longer than the tears, but not long enough. I become submissive for a short time, the good girl he wants, all compliance and willingness to do what I'm told, but it's fleeting.

Being a bad girl is part of what makes me who I am. I need what comes with that. The helplessness and vulnerability that comes with allowing myself to be punished for being bad give me a surge, heighten my senses. Being a good girl gets me rewards, spankings just because, but those lack the emotion and intensity of being spanked hard until I break. They don't offer the release I get from being spanked until I cry. I want to be a good girl because he wants me to be, but we both like the bad girl, so we have this balancing act, and it works for us.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

In Honor of a Friend

Four years ago today an amazing friend of mine died.  We'd known each other for almost 30 years.  We started out as teacher and student, but we became friends pretty quickly.  I loved her, and I know she loved me too, in a non-judgemental way that's very rare.  I never told her about my kink, but if I had, I know she wouldn't have treated me any differently.  I wrote this story after she died for the SSC, which is why it's so short.  I'm posting it here because I know she wouldn't mind.
Letting Go

Sarah sat on the couch in a funk she hadn't been able to shake for weeks. She knew she had to get back to normal, but she couldn't seem to force herself to stop wallowing in her grief. When Tom sat down next to her, she barely noticed.

"Hey, you want to get out of here for a while," Tom asked.

"Huh? Oh, no, I just want to stay in. I'm not in the mood to do anything," Sarah said.

"You know that Katie would have a fit if she knew you were shutting yourself away because she's gone, right?" Tom asked.

Sarah glared at him. "She isn't gone, she's dead. There's a difference. We were friends for 28 years, I'm allowed to miss her."

"Of course you are, but you can't stop living too. You need a good hard spanking to get you out of this mood," Tom said.

"That's just so wrong, I can't even tell you how wrong it is!" Sarah sprang up from the couch ready to bolt from the room, but Tom caught her by the arm and pulled her back down on the couch.

"Why is it wrong? You know it would help to get rid of all of the tension that's been building up in you," Tom said calmly.

"It's wrong because I want it, but I shouldn't. It's too soon to want anything that would feel good. I feel guilty even thinking about it," Sarah said.

Tom took both of her hands in his, turning her so that she faced him. "It's part of the process, wanting to feel good again. Don't feel guilty, just let me help you."

Sarah didn't resist as Tom pulled her across him to lie across his lap, but she tensed up as she felt him reach to pull down her pants and panties. It felt like too much too soon, and she struggled momentarily, making it difficult for him to bare her bottom. Even so, it didn't take long for him to manage it.

The first slap of hand on bare skin shocked her. She'd felt only emotional pain for weeks, and hadn't allowed physical pain to replace it. Now she had no choice. Slap after slap, the pain and heat built up, pushing her closer to the edge. All of her anger, heartbreak, and sadness came right up to the surface, taunting her, making her fight against Tom and the spanking. She struggled against herself, knowing that part of her was lost forever, and her anger grew until one hard slap to her upper thigh. The dam broke and she started crying, powerful sobs that came from the bottom of her soul. It wasn't until she felt Tom's arms around her that she noticed he'd stopped spanking her.

She didn't know how long she cried, all she knew was that Tom held her the whole time, and when she woke up in bed next to him, she felt better than she had in a long time.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Before and After

I was going through the archives of the SSC (Short Story Contest) from the newsgroup.  They don't have my earliest stories there, but I was going through my 2001 stories and found two that showed how different my thinking was from when I was younger compared to what it was once I got online and found myself, kink-wise.  They're bookend stories as it were, so I decided I'd post them here.  I can't believe that was ten years ago already!


 Damaged Goods
She was too young to understand what was done to her, too young to process the pain she felt.  He took advantage of her innocence to make her believe she was bad, that nobody would love her, or want her, ever. She was too young to know any different, so she believed.

She was punished for his own faults, his own demons.  Her small childish missteps were blown out of proportion, handled with rage and violence. She never understood why, all she knew was that she was bad.  She had to be if she got spanked and then ignored, never forgiven, never told she was a good girl again.  If that was what getting spanked really was.  It wasn't like she saw in the movies or on tv, it was so much worse.  She was the perpetual bad girl, even though she wasn't sure what she'd done. Whatever it was, it had to have been very bad to make him hate her the way he did.

She refused to accept authority after a while, any authority.  She only followed the rules out of fear, or because she thought it would make him like her, but it didn't.  Nothing got better, only worse.  She was always wrong, always bad.  She couldn't get away from that feeling, even at such a young age.  She was only a little girl, she should have been happy, not always sure that everyone knew that she was bad.

She was broken before she even had a chance to know who she was or what she wanted.  Her soul damaged so deeply and so early that she had no choice in what she became.  So sad, so lonely, thinking that he was right, that she'd be alone always, no friends, no love.  Part of her remained five years old, holding on to the only thing she'd ever really learned, ever knew for sure, that she was a bad girl, that there was no hope of anything else.  She became what he wanted her to be.

Learning to Trust

Once upon a time, I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil. It was what I grew up with, too early learned.  It was imprinted on my soul like an unwanted tattoo.

Paternal rage, unpredictable hurricanes of torment, ruled my life. Rules were momentary or oppressive, consequences brutal or nonexistent. The belt on bare skin was the chosen form of consequence too often.  No forgiveness afterward, just pain.  Not erotic, only something to block out if possible, even when I knew that spanking, in a normal sense, made my body tingle.

The idea that men were bad, not to be trusted, remained even in adulthood.  It would take so much to prove otherwise.  Challengers were very few and far between, and those proved rather than disproved. Marriage solidified the concept.  Being single seemed preferable at times.

Then it came to pass that spanking became a real part of life, not just fantasy or something not to be remembered.  It was finally something to be reveled in, celebrated.  Along with spanking came friends, some male.  To trust was essential in this new life, for without it there was nothing.  But would the belief be eradicated or vindicated.

I wanted to trust, and in the beginning most likely did so too willingly.  Even in the new territory of my sexual liberation, hopes were dashed, twice in quick succession.  I pushed on though, not willing to give up so easily when so much was at stake.  I needed this new way of life, needed a spanked ass and the emotional release that could come with that.

There came a day when I realized that my beliefs were no longer valid. A well-chosen group of male friends had come along, one at a time, showing me each in their own way that men weren't what I had always thought.  One in particular showed me what authority was supposed to be, consistent, safe.  I trusted and relaxed finally, no longer having to wonder when the trust would be smashed.  I knew that it would always be there.  No promises had ever been made that weren't kept.

Spankings, real, non-brutal spankings, were given for misbehavior, along with something I'd never had before.  Forgiveness, the knowledge that I wasn't the miserable creature I had once been led to believe I was, that I was worthy of that forgiveness, and I could never do something that would make me unworthy.  It healed something deep inside, allowing me to own this thing in me, this need to be spanked, whether for punishment or sex.  It was mine, and the brutality of the past couldn't take that away from me. Once upon a time, I was foolish enough to believe that men were evil. I'm glad I was wrong.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

An Old Party Report

I posted this way back in '05 on SSS, after a particularly great fetish party I went to.  I've left it in its original form, which I found a while back on Google. 

It's been a long time since I've posted about any RL playing that I've
done, mostly because it's been so long between times.  I finally got to
a party last night, but not one of the ones I used to post about.  This
was a fetish party, so there was a really good mix of people of all kink
persuasions.  I'd never been to a party where there were lots of
different kinds of play.  I've been playing in the scene since '99, but
this was my first experience with watching people who didn't all have my
exact kink, and it was really cool.  There was a LOT of cross-over, so I
didn't feel out of place at all.

I went with a friend from high school who I recently reconnected with,
mostly because of the first spanking movie I ever bought from Shadow
Lane.  The guy in the movie had the same name and same basic features of
this guy I remembered from high school, and ever since then I'd wanted
to find him again to see if it was him in the movie.  Well, long story
short, I found him on the alumni site for our high school, and I emailed
him.  I mentioned that movie, but not what it was about, and his answer
made me think that he wouldn't be freaked out by a spanking movie.  I
sent him the link so he'd know why I thought the guy looked like him, he
agreed, and said that he wouldn't have minded being that guy!  We talked
on the phone after that, and he mentioned this fetish party that he
wanted to take his girlfriend to and said that if I wanted to go to let
him know.  I jumped at the chance, because except for last September
when I got to play with Greg in Boston, I hadn't played in two years and
I desperately needed the chance.

I met up with them at the bar where the party was, and I knew right away
that I'd get a chance to play, because on the dance floor there were a
couple spanking benches, and a couple St. Andrew's crosses.  There was a
leather dealer right inside the door, and I finally bought my first
flogger!  I'd always wanted one, but they're usually too expensive.
This one is green suede and not very long, so when Greg uses it on me he
won't have to worry about controlling it.  It's also heavy, which is
what I like.

Anyway, we were sitting around talking, and my friend started talking to
this guy who turned out to be a Top.  He sat at our table and we started
talking about what kind of playing we like to do.  One thing led to
another, especially once he found out that I'm a painslut, and we
decided to go outside where we could actually hear each other.  There
was a St. Andrew's cross out on the patio too.  He got his toy bag out,
and told me that I was wearing too much.  I wasn't sure about getting
rid of EVERYTHING I was wearing, but it didn't take too long for me to
end up just wearing a thong and some strategically placed electrical
tape. LOL  I will say that the only reason I felt okay playing with
somebody I didn't know was because my friend and his girlfriend wanted
to watch, so I knew I had backup, otherwise I never would've done it.

He wanted to do some breast bondage, and I wasn't too sure about that
because I'd never played with that before, but I figured that there are
other things I'd never liked until I tried them, so what the hell.  That
part was okay, once he'd been working them over for a while, but it
didn't really did much for me.  He had my hands connected to the cross
way over my head, and eventually we had to switch the leather cuffs to
the lower hooks down by my sides so my hands stopped going numb.  At one
point I was standing there looking up at the night sky, and I wondered
how I'd made it to a level where I didn't mind being 41, and by no means
skinny, all but naked, cuffed to a cross with everybody looking at
me (people wandered in and out of the bar onto the patio the whole
time), while this guy was doing all sorts of wonderfully painful things
to me.  It was liberating and amazing all at the same time.  The great
thing was that absolutely nobody gave a damn about my size.

Eventually he turned me around so he could work on the other side.
This was what I really wanted and needed, and he was up to the
challenge.  Not everybody can play at the level I like, which is pretty
high.  He used a bunch of floggers, a crop, some paddles (I had no idea
they made metal paddles!), and there was a buggy whip and a quirt
somewhere in the action too.  There was one flogger that he said would
make me scream, but he doesn't know my tolerence level! LOL  It was just
really really good.

He pulled my hair at one point, which was also new for me.  I have long hair, so
there was a lot to grab.  Nobody had ever done that before, and I'd
always wondered if it would be a turn on for me.  There's something
about it that is definitely a turn on, but I think it would be much hotter with
people I've played with a lot .

I'd realized a couple years ago that I like sensation play, but I
haven't had much experience with it.  He had one of those spikey wheels
(can't remember the name right now), and when he used it on me,
especially where he'd flogged and whipped, I damn near orgasmed!  It was
great, and by that time I was feeling very relaxed, probably more than
I'd been in a long time.

I think my friend's girlfriend was intrigued by watching me, because
they came up to us, and the guy used the wheel on her too.  It turns out
that she likes it just as much as I did and had pretty much the same
reaction I did, so there's potential there.  I like people who are
willing to try new things. :)

After I got dressed, we went back in to watch all the other people who
were playing.  I saw a woman who REALLY knows how to use two floggers at
the same time.  Wow, that was very cool!  If I go to another one of
those parties, I might have to see if she's willing to do that to me.

Today I have some very cool marks, and I'm hoping that they last more
than a day or two.  I hope so, I hate when they don't last, because I
like looking at them.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Back to normal

Last night G. and I discussed the math thing.  We haven't come up with a plan yet, but at least it's out there.  The best part of it is, he's back in charge, at least of my spankings.  Family things had taken his mind away from what we used to do, and we had adapted at the time.  I guess we got used to it, not even talking about spanking much, if at all, except as a joke.  I realize now that this was what had been missing.  I liked him telling me what was going to happen as far as when I could get up from the mat, or how much I would get spanked.  With my months long hiatus from even being able to spank myself due to my own living situation, we had gone on to other things, filling our time with online things that didn't involve spanking at all.  Last night I felt settled for the first time in so long, and today was when I realized what was different.  He made me spank myself with my new toy on the phone, bedroom door closed.  We don't normally risk that because I live with family, but the air conditioner and the tv were on in the living room, and it blocked any sound coming from my room.  Luckily the new toy (I'm considering calling it "The Evil Whippy Thing" LOL) isn't loud like all my other toys.  After getting spanked with that for a while, I had to get out the mat and sit on it while we talked.  It was so nice to feel that he was taking back the reins finally.  I've been a grown up and in charge of everything for over a year now, and I missed being able to just let him take over.  It was funny how we fell into our old roles again so easily.  After twelve years I guess it's like riding a bike, you don't forget how to do it.  We did all of our other normal stuff, just like every other night, but there was that extra little part, me sitting on the mat and him deciding that if I asked if I could get off that he would make me sit on it longer that made me happy.  Everything was right with the world again. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Feeling Guilty

After thinking about that audio clip that I avoided for two years, and knowing what he was trying to do with it, I've been feeling slightly guilty.  It makes me feel like I deserve the spankings I've been getting, even though I have to do them myself.  Sunday I was able to have a decently long session, over half an hour, and I used many implements.  My bottom hurt for the rest of the day, and when I got to do a few minutes with the new toy yesterday, I could tell that my bottom was still sore from Sunday.  There are still some sore spots on my bottom, which reminds me that I've been punished for something I feel guilty about.  I haven't talked to him about it yet, that won't come until tomorrow, but having been spanked makes me feel a little bit better about things.  Hopefully he'll make me sit on the mat tomorrow night on the phone, like he did for an hour on Sunday night. 

Back about seven years ago, I felt so guilty about something that I kept pushing him to ratchet up the punishments he was already giving me for something else.  That's when we found out that embarrassment works so well on me in punishment situations.  I felt I deserved to have people see my very spanked bare bottom, and even though it didn't happen, just the idea that it could, and that it was all part of my punishment, helped my guilt, even though it took a good part of that summer.  Being punished by him in person ALWAYS gets rid of any guilt I feel, but the long distance punishments take a while to work.  My guilt isn't all that bad this time, so I'm pretty sure a few more spankings and some more mat time should do the trick.  Talking to him tomorrow will also help.  It always does.  He'll just consider the extra spankings to be a bonus. : )

Monday, July 4, 2011

Being Stubborn

Earlier today I finally got a free zip program.  There was an audio clip that G. had sent me along with the others a couple years ago that I had ignored because it wasn't about spanking or anything.  It was about math, which I hate, mostly because I can't do it.  I was good with math until 3rd grade when we had to memorize the multiplication tables.  It didn't totally do me in, but it slowed me down.  I did much better with fractions and things like that.  By 5th grade we were into subjects that were getting me farther and farther into a hole, and being emotionally crippled didn't help my self esteem in this area.  By 8th grade I pretty much stopped paying attention and looked out the window daydreaming instead.  I barely passed Fundamentals of Algebra in 9th grade, and my second semester teacher told me that I got all the steps down for the problems, but my math was no good.

So of course I got a Top who's a math brainiac. LOL  It wasn't planned, but he's been adamant over the years about my learning the higher math that I've been avoiding for the past 30+ years.  I think because of my past stubbornness, and the fact that we live so far apart, he had given up on the idea, because we haven't really talked about it in a long time.  The audio clip brought it all back though, and I wrote him an email telling him that I'm willing to try again.  He sounded so angry in the clip, and I've only heard him like that a couple other times in the whole twelve years that I've known him.  It wasn't what he said that told me, it was his tone.  He can be very authoritative in what he says, and I know he means business, but when he's truly angry it's the only time he can make me cry without it being from a spanking.

I know I've been stubborn about avoiding math, mostly because it's just so much work for me to learn it.  I'm not stupid, not by a long shot, but my past attempts have made me reticent to try again.  I don't do well with failure, being something of a control freak, but if that's what he really wants, I'm going to give it another try.  He's much more stubborn than I am, so we'll see how long it takes before I bend and really give it my all.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Is it just me?

I've been thinking since my last post.  Different things get different people going, whether you're a spanko or not.  One thing that I didn't know until about seven years ago, is that the idea that somebody might see my bare bottom after a spanking gets me going on a serious level.  Whether it's somebody who isn't into spanking, or somebody into spanking but just happens upon the situation, it's all hot for me.  If it's a set up situation, where the people are already there, I would have to be receiving a punishment spanking to have the same reaction.  Being punished gets me into a completely different mindset, where I feel very vulnerable and much more helpless.  It's the only time that embarrassment works on me.  I've been spanked in front of a lot of people at parties, and I don't even think twice.  I've never been punished at a party though, at least not in the public room. 

I've had lots of fantasies about being spanked in public, as punishment, or having somebody look through a window to see my bare bottom after I've been spanked, which is what prompted the last post.  I just wonder how many other people have this as part of their kink.  Some people freak out at the thought that somebody might see them in that kind of situation.  I know that others have it as part of their fantasies, but does it become a turn on if the situation actually comes up in real life?  Even if it doesn't quite happen, but goes right to the brink, is that enough to give the person a thrill?  If a situation gets very close to my being discovered like that, I panic, but then after things calm down again, it gives me that thrill.  The closer it gets, the bigger the thrill.  I'm sure if something really happened where somebody saw me who would react badly about it, I wouldn't get the same physical reaction.  It's the thought of somebody who is intrigued by seeing something like that actually happening upon me having just been spanked and visible through a window or something, THAT drives my fantasies.

It's not just that though.  Being made to tell somebody about what happened, that I had to get spanked as punishment is a mix of embarrassment and hotness that drives me wild.  I guess part of it is being helpless, being forced to make myself vulnerable beyond just being spanked.  I don't like embarrassing situations otherwise, and avoid them at all costs, but in this one area, it's a huge turn on for me.  

Am I in the minority on this?  I'd like to get comments on this, just to see what the general consensus is. 


Friday, July 1, 2011

Fact or Fiction?

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a very naughty girl.  She was so naughty that she had to get her bare bottom spanked every Saturday morning for months.  Her Top did not live near her, so he said that she would have to spank herself in his place.  Every Saturday she would wake up and have to get a switch from a tree outside her window, and then carry it in back into her apartment building so that people would be able to see it.  She had to whip herself with the switch until her bare bottom was very sore and it had red welts all over it.  She also had to use the big evil hairbrush on her bare bottom, and the belt.  She had to spank herself for as long as she was alone in the apartment, because she lived with other people and couldn't always carry out her punishment spankings. 

Because she lived in a basement apartment, her Top decided that instead of corner time, she would have to bend over her kitchen table, with the windows and blinds open, very red bare bottom facing the window.  Her only saving grace was that the window was higher on the wall than a normal window, so if somebody walked by they might NOT be able to see inside.  She was always so embarrassed when she had to stay there, bending over on display.  When she heard people walking by the window she would freeze and hope that they weren't looking at her very red, very sore bare bottom. 

One day she knew she was going to be alone all day, so the spankings would last for a long time.  She would have to use all the implements over and over, and she knew that sitting down in the days to come would be very painful.  She dutifully spanked and spanked, first with the switch, then with the hairbrush, then the paddle that had been made especially for her, then the belt.  She bent over the kitchen table hoping not to be seen, and then started the spankings all over again.  She had just spanked herself very hard with the hairbrush in the living room, and was kneeling on the couch bending over a pillow on the arm of the couch, her red bare bottom facing the living room window.  The next thing she knew, she heard loud noises, coming very close to the window, which was behind a row of shrubs.  She should have been safe there, because nobody could walk by and look in because of those shrubs.  What she hadn't counted on was this was the day that the landscaping company was trimming all the bushes in the complex.  She couldn't make herself look over her shoulder as the noise got louder and louder.  She knew that the men were right outside her window, some in front of the bushes, some behind them close to the window, with their equipment for trimming the shrubs.  She was petrified and mortified at the same time, because she was in full view, not more than ten feet from the men.  She was so scared that she couldn't move, so there she was, very spanked and very red bare bottom on full display for the men to see.  The loud noises didn't stop, quite the opposite.  They lasted for a very long time.  She knew that they were staying there for much longer than they had for any other building.  After what seemed forever, the noise stopped, but the men didn't leave.  They were clearing the area of all the branches they had cut off, and she knew they were taking their time doing that too.  She heard two of the men talking and laughing, but they were speaking Spanish, so she didn't know what they were saying.  She just knew they were talking about her though.  They had to be.  They had been there for a long time, and didn't seem in any hurry to leave.  She thought about what they were saying, about how she must be a very naughty girl to have such a red bare bottom.  About how she looked like she had been spanked very hard for a long time.  She could feel how hot her face was, and knew that it was as hot and red as her bare bottom was.  Still, she couldn't move.  She would have to see the men if she got up then, and she couldn't stand the idea of having to see their faces.  Finally, when she thought they would stand there watching her all day, she heard them leave the window area.  She turned to check and then left the living room, more embarrassed than she had ever been in her life.

After a while she calmed down and continued with her spankings.  Her Top would be angry with her if she stopped for any reason short of an emergency.  She was spanking herself in the living room again a little later, feeling safer because she knew that the men had moved on, when one of them came walking back across the courtyard, obviously wanting to see what she was up to.  He saw her spanking herself, and she tried to leave the room, but it wasn't fast enough to avoid seeing him.  It happened again a little while later, another of them came walking across to the window and caught her bending over, farther into the living room, trying to avoid the window.  He was a brave one, walking right up to the shrubs, pretending that he needed to clean up there again.  Again he had a full view of her very spanked, red bare bottom.  She could see him by turning her head just a little, and saw him standing there looking at her.  She turned her head away fast, and didn't see him walk away, but she knew he had stayed there for a few minutes.

If it hadn't been for her Top's rules, she would've closed the windows and stopped spanking herself, but neither were allowed, and she was in enough trouble.  Later that day she wrote him an email telling him about it, and when they talked on the phone the next day he asked her many very embarrassing questions about it.  She felt her face flush bright red all over again at the thought of having been seen by the men, but her Top wouldn't let her avoid the questions.  He made her tell him again in agonizing detail, and she could tell that he relished every word.  For the rest of the summer he brought it up to embarrass her over and over again, and she blushed every time. 

She got many more spankings after that, but nobody saw her spanked bare bottom after that time.