Sunday, May 29, 2011

The sound of a voice

I know it's not just me, it's probably all of us who get spanked, the sound of our spanker scolding us, or telling us what they're going to do to us makes our knees go weak.  For those of us who don't live near the person who spanks us, we normally have to be content with hearing those things on the phone.  I came up with a solution for in between phone calls or between times we see each other, to bring that squirminess back.  It started as a way to try to make me do what I was supposed to do when I was having a problem sticking to a goal.  I had wanted him to do it years ago, but that would have meant recording it with a tape recorder, and he didn't have one at the time.  It would've sounded like he was talking on the phone, which wouldn't have been as good.  As it was, things didn't work out until a year ago or so, when he could record things right onto his computer and then send the files to me in emails.  I have a whole list of them now, all on my iPod, to listen to whenever I want.  They're short audio clips of him threatening me, telling me what a bad girl I've been, in that voice of his, and a whole variety of other wonderfully squirmy things.  It's amazing what the sound of his voice in my ear does to me, especially since the sound quality makes it sound like he's right HERE.  It can make me melt when I'm in the right mood, and can make me feel like a bad girl who's about to get a very hard spanking any minute, even though I know it won't happen right then.  I can almost see the look that must have been on his face as he recorded them.  The raised eyebrow, the look over his glasses, the set of his jaw when he stresses a point that he wants to make VERY clear.  I've seen those looks often enough when we're in the same place that they're burned into my brain.  

The sound of a voice is an amazing thing.  It evokes so many emotions, especially when connected to our kink.  Lovely, threatening, squirm-inducing words, and if you work it right, you can have them any time you want! 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

In addition to that last post

There are times when I want to go on Facebook and write a post telling the world about the fact that I'm kinky, but I can't.  I have relatives on my Friend list, and people I work with, and friends I grew up with on there.  I fear their reactions, which I shouldn't have to, but that's the way the world is.  We still hide who we are, because of how people might react.  I've already been shunned by friends because of it, and I couldn't handle it if people I actually care about turned their backs on me.  It shouldn't be like this, but it is, and I don't see it changing any time soon.  Too many people have the wrong idea about us, and I fear that people I love think that way.  I don't know, because I can't ask.  I can't risk that kind of exposure.  Most of my relatives are very pro-gay lifestyle, even pro marriage equality, but I bet they aren't pro kink lifestyle, and that sucks. 

For lack of other muses, another 30 days of kink topic

This caught my eye when I was looking at the 30 day list again.  What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?  I think that we're sick and twisted, that something had to have happened when we were children to "make us want to be hit or want to hit people".  Some people think of us almost on the level of pedophiles.  They don't realize that we want to do things with other consenting adults, and of the ones who DO know that, they still think that nobody "normal" should want what we want.  I had a psychologist tell me that even if he didn't remember it, that something must have happened in my Top's life to make him want to spank women.  I know for a fact that nothing did, it's just how he's wired.  I, on the other hand, am kinky in SPITE of what happened in my childhood.  If you use that psychologist's reasoning, I should want to be a Top to make up for what happened when I was a kid.  Instead, I've taken ownership of what happened, and because I'm wired the way I am, it hasn't turned me into some psychotic person who wants revenge.  Being spanked makes me feel that I can be who I should be.  Confident, extroverted, willing to meet new people and do new things.  Back before I admitted that I was kinky, before I got online, even while I was married I was very repressed.  I would avoid talking about sex, because to me, sex was tied to being spanked, and I couldn't admit that to anybody  I had bought into that "You're sick and twisted if you want to be spanked" mentality, and it made me shy and so introverted that I'm surprised I was even able to get married.  I told my then husband about wanting to be spanked, but it turned out that he was so vanilla that he lacked an imagination when it came to sex.  He halfheartedly tried to spank me, but he had no will of his own, and Topping from the bottom through the whole thing took the joy out of it for me.  I knew he didn't want to do it, and couldn't give me what I wanted, so I stopped asking.  He thought it was weird, because he had been taught that "men shouldn't hit women".  No matter how often I told him that it wasn't like that, I couldn't change that attitude.  Because of how he thought, I didn't feel comfortable about what I wanted and needed, and tried to suppress it except for fantasizing during sex.  After we separated, I was right at the point where I was going to give it up because I thought that if I didn't want to be spanked anymore I would be "normal" and like everybody else, that I would be cured of this dark thing inside me.  Then I got online and found the newsgroup, and for the first time in my life I realized that the people who wanted to be spanked/wanted to spank were people you would never guess were into it, because they were just like everybody else.  They weren't sick and twisted, weren't so perverted that they couldn't live normal lives AND be into spanking.  I realized that I was like them, that I could have a normal life AND be spanked.  It made me feel normal for the first time in my life.  I had been liberated, and it changed my life.  

I want people who aren't kinky to know what I found out that day 13 years ago.  That being who you're born to be is a good thing, even if it means you want to be spanked, or want to spank somebody.  We aren't some sick and twisted subculture of people who need to be kept underground so that the kids don't find out and want to emulate us.  There are people who think that way, and if they could realize that our fantasies and needs are just as valid and normal as theirs are, we could all live together without those of us who are kinky having to look over our shoulder wondering who knows about us, and what could happen to our lives if anybody did.       

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Another lucky day

It happens so rarely, everybody leaves and I get an hour or so to myself.  I went months the last time before everybody decided to leave at the same time.  Now that the weather's better it might happen more often.  I can hope anyway.  Today it happened, and I didn't even know until just beforehand, so it was a very nice surprise.  I had to stop myself from acting giddy as they got ready to go, because lately I've been in desperate need of a spanking (or four!).  I can't let them know WHY I want them to leave, and I definitely can't act like I'm trying to push them out the door faster, even if I'd like to. 

I started with the belt, because as much as I'd like to start out with my new toy (I still have no idea what it actually is, so I don't know what to call it), it's a little drastic to use cold.  The first time I tried, and I almost bailed on the entire spanking!  After the belt I went with the hairbrush for a while, then the bathbrush and the backscratcher.  THEN I went with the new toy, and it was easier to take some harder strokes with it.  My shoulder doesn't last very long these days, so I take breaks more often, but I get the job done when I have enough time.  Today I got enough time, and it was very nice.  I got myself to the point where it hurt to sit on a hard chair.  That never lasts a long enough time, but I love it for as long as it does. 

I love to check my bottom in the mirror to check on the progress, and see if there are marks and how red it is.  I got decent color today, though I knew it wouldn't last for more than half a day, which is always a bummer.  After everybody was home I checked again a couple hours later, and I have a couple superficial type bruises.  At least those will last a couple days, I hope!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sting vs. Thud

On Twitter we've been discussing the whole Sting or Thud problem.  It's a problem for me only because I love to be spanked, and how isn't usually an issue.  My loves are anything leather, or the heavy cane.  Lovely thudiness, and I can't get enough.  Anything wood, on the other hand, and yikes, I'm done pretty fast.  That bugs me, because I love it when spankings can last a long time, and especially with the hairbrush, it just can't.  The paddle too.  I don't last very long at all with any of my paddles, and I have too many!  If I'm being punished, then nine times out of ten I get spanked with something wooden, unless it's a very fast, very hard belt spanking.  Maybe that's part of the reason I don't like sting, because I associate it with punishment.  It's very effective, pushing me over the edge without a lot of effort.  For play I like a little of everything, as long as my favorite toys get used more.  I like marks and bruises, and the longer I can play, the more that happens.  Fast and effective might work for punishment, but in general, long term play is the goal!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Something I've always wanted to do

I'm not a professional photographer or anything, can use my digital camera, but I don't know all the ins and outs of taking pictures.  Even so, I've always wanted to take pictures of what we do.  I mean erotic type pics, very sensual, romantic types of pictures, showing the side of what we do that isn't seen by anyone but us.  Once at a party, a friend had just spanked his wife, and she was sitting on his lap, her bottom all red, but you could see the love between them.  I so wanted a picture of that.  Maybe to convey to the rest of the world what it is that we love about what we do, and the intimacy involved without sex even needing to be included.  The thing is, if I were to do it, I'm thinking that the only way to show them would be online.  I doubt you could get those kinds of pictures into a gallery to show to the public, at least not without a lot of drama involved.  I'd also need a better camera!  The one I have is an old 3 megapixel, and I'd want one with a lot better capability than that for this.  I'd want some of them to be black and white too, because I want to show the emotion involved as much as anything else.  Would it be feasible though?  Too many people still think that what we do is some evil, abusive thing.  We know better, but the right pictures could possibly change their minds. 

Spanking thoughts

What with the Blogger outage the other day, and total chaos in the personal realm during the week, writing a new blog post was not on the radar.  Amidst the chaos though, little things have been poking at my mind, making me drift into thinking about being spanked.  Thoughts of having my bottom bared, being pushed face down on the bed to be spanked unmercifully.  Being scolded during the spanking, and having to promise to be a good girl before the spanking will end.  Knowing that even after the spanking that it will stay with me for a while, he never leaves my bottom wanting.  I can always feel it every time I sit down or accidentally back into something for a day or two afterward, sometimes longer.  Wishing I could have all that right now, but using it to fuel my fantasies in the meantime.         


Sunday, May 8, 2011

When did you discover you were kinky?

This is another of the 30 Days of Kink topics, and it got me thinking.  I've always known there was something different about me.  The problem is, I'm older and didn't have real access to the internet until I was in my 30's.  It was the '90's, and this wondrous thing called the internet was starting to open up the world to us.  Until then, at least when I a teenager, and in my early 20's, I thought that there was something wrong with me, because people around me didn't think the things I did, or do the things I did.  I remember being four years old and watching the Little Rascals on tv, HOPING for one of the films where one or more of the kids got spanked.  I didn't know why, I just knew that watching those movies gave me this weird feeling inside, and it was good.  Back then I didn't think there was anything wrong with me, that came later.  I just knew it was something to keep to myself.  In one movie, one of the kids put a book down the back of their pants because they knew they were going to get spanked, and I decided I had to try that.  The feeling of that hardcover Little Golden book against my bare bottom gave me a thrill like nothing else had ever done.  I did it in secret whenever I could, and it was great.  This is how I know I'm hard-wired for being a spanko, because it started so early and so definitively.  I looked up the word spanking in the dictionary, at school and at home.  Before the age of ten I convinced friends to play a version of house which included spanking.  I fantasized about spanking from an early age.  If I had grown up in the internet age, I would've always known I was kinky, and I would've had a much better image of myself because I would've known that there were all those other people out there who felt the same way.  As it was, when I was 34, I found my first newsgroup, and suddenly realized that all these other people had the same thoughts and feelings as I did, and that the same things that turned them on turned me on.  It was a liberating moment for me.  I envy kids now, because they can learn so much earlier that what they do isn't sick and twisted, even as much as we still have to hide what we do.  They can still find all this stuff online to let them know they're not alone.    

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Do I need new fantasies?

I've been thinking about it.  My spanking mojo has kicked back in this month after a really ghastly April.  Because of time constraints, or falling asleep before I'd intended to, I haven't had a chance to take advantage of fantasizing that much so far, but I'm getting working on that.  I have fantasies that tend to work, but lately I keep having to ratchet things up to push myself over the edge.  I'd love some new ones, but where the hell do you go to get new fantasies?  If there was a website or something with categories of fantasies, and you could read through the ideas to find one that got you all hot and bothered, that would be great.  I could comb through a bunch of old stories to find some I suppose, not mine but other people's.  I know all mine, they branch out from my old fantasies. 

The other choice is to rework my old fantasies, recreating those things that have always worked for me.  Maybe I'm unique, but sex fantasies don't work for me.  Punishment fantasies do.  No matter what age I'm supposed to be in the fantasy, it works.  Little girl, teenage, adult, as long as I'm being punished for something, I get where I need to go with them.  Thinking about somebody else getting it works too, but again, always punishment, with no sex involved.  Maybe it's because that's how my fantasizing started.  As a little girl, and I mean before the age of ten, telling myself stories about other kids getting spanked.  I never progressed to actual sex fantasies, it's always just been wired to spanking.  Some get dark, some go over the top, but if I haven't masturbated in ages, I don't even get very far into the fantasy before I'm done.  It's when I've been doing it a lot that the old fantasies get too old, too overdone, and need to be ratcheted up to higher and higher levels.  When you fall asleep in the middle, you know it's taking too long!  That's when I start thinking I need new fantasies, new thrills to take me to new and better heights faster than the old stuff.     

Pictures get my imagination going a lot.  I know, they say that men are the visually stimulated gender.  Bull.  Just seeing a bare bottom, especially if it's been spanked, in a picture or in person, does it for me.  I think I need some new pictures.  I've seen all the ones I have, over and over.  Hell, I even have pictures of MY bare bottom after spankings.  I seem to always get the same pictures when I go online, so even that's getting old.  It's difficult to come up with new stories for the same old pictures.  I try, I really do!

So what to do?  New or old? 

Another 30 Days of Kink post

I've looked over the list of ideas for posts, and I just don't seem to have anything to say about some of them.  My experiences are limited in some ways, not having a person here to spank me all the time.  But this one idea did stand out for me.  What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?  I think the most difficult part is having to hide so much about who I really am.  I'm not talking about telling people I know everything I do.  Most vanilla people can make comments that have nothing to do with their personal situation and nobody thinks twice about it.  If I were to make a spanking comment that had nothing to do with my situation, but was just a general comment, there are a lot of people who would think differently about me.  When I first got online and my mom found out and didn't hate me for it, I thought that it would be okay if some of my friends knew.  Well, some of them were totally cool with it, and it didn't affect how they thought about me, but one older friend, who treated me like her own daughter and who I THOUGHT loved me unconditionally, turned her back on me.  Even knowing that I'd been that way since before she'd known me, which was since I was six years old, didn't help the situation.  It was difficult getting over being shunned, but it taught me that not everyone could know who I really am.  Relatives don't know, that's much too risky.  If I was a lesbian I could tell most, if not all the people I know, and it would be okay.  Kink, on the other hand, still has to be hidden for the most part.  I'm on Facebook and Twitter, but I can't go on Twitter under my own name because then relatives and people from work would be able to find me.  I use Twitter for the kink side of my life.  Not ONLY for that, but I can't mention any of it on Facebook.  It's like the two parts of me can never come together, except in very specific company.  I love the times when I can get together with people of a like mind, and feel free to talk about toys and spanking positions and how I love it when it hurts to sit after a spanking.  Most of the time I have to be the vanilla version of myself, and that's okay, but it's not the whole me.  The times I can let loose and not worry about everything I say are some of my favorite times.  For me, that's the most difficult part of having this kink.   

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Got spanked!

Everybody left for a while, so I got to actually do some spanking for the first time in a while.  Over a month since it happened the last time.  My new toy is still evil and with all the weight I've been losing, I definitely need a warm up before I can really use it the way I like.  I even found my rubber ruler, which I hadn't seen in months.  Only used the hairbrush a little, was more inclined to use the belt.  Wood is evil, leather is good!  I got a good half an hour of spanking in, so I should be good for a while.

I have some nice marks from the new toy.  Nice raised lines to look at for a day.  I doubt they'll last longer than later today, but who knows with less weight back there? LOL   


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Some of my stories

Since Google has seen fit to get rid of almost all the old SSS posts, most of my stories have been relegated to my own computer, but I do have some longer ones online at Literotica.  I like watching the numbers go up, so I figured I'd post the links to them here. 

A Fantasy
Coming Out
Submitting to Him
The Other Side of Cinderella

In case you want info on 30 Days of Kink

I read it on the girl's blog, and seeing as I have so little real life experiences to write about lately, it seemed like a way to get a lot of blog posts in a short amount of time.

Dom, sub, or Switch?

Because of my lack of a spanking life at the moment, I have a definite lack of posts. So, when I came across the 30 Days of Kink idea, it seemed like a way to generate a bunch of posts.  I'll have to write a couple posts a day to catch up!

I'm not actually any of the three in the title.  I'm a Bottom.  At least 95%.  I've had Top-ish fantasies over the years, but the thought doesn't last long enough for me to consider actually topping anybody.  It's the reason I'm also not a switch.  The Top fantasies have only flared a few times over the twelve years that I've been in the scene, and that wouldn't be fair to somebody I was in a relationship with.  It would give them absolutely no chance to get spanked unless we went to parties and they could get spanked by somebody else.  I did promise a friend years ago (Hi Helen!) that if we ever met in real life that I would top her, but I don't see me doing it on a regular basis.  I will delight in spanking her, because I know how much she wants and needs it, not because I'm so into it that it's a major turn on for me.  I do like to see a red bare bottom though, so that part will be a bonus. : )

Early on in my journey to who I am now, I considered being a sub.  I occasionally have some submissive tendencies, but only with the friend who tops me.  He gets me to the place where I want to do whatever he wants or needs.  It never lasts all that long, but it's nice for a limited time.  I don't like being locked into rules about my kink.  I may decide to play at being submissive in a scene, but it's not who I am on a regular basis.  I do understand what a gift submission is for the Dominant.  For someone to trust another person enough to offer themselves, body and soul, to be controlled as the Dominant sees fit, is to make yourself completely vulnerable.  I can do that, and have, but again, on a limited basis.  I doubt I could ever be a Domme.  I'm such a control freak that being a Bottom is my chance to give up all of that.  For me, being a Domme AND a control freak could be a dangerous mix!

I completely understand why other people are subs or Doms or switches.  The variations of our kink are diverse and wonderful.  When I first came onto the scene I had no idea how many different ways there were to indulge in what we do, but that was over a decade ago, and I have become friends with people who encompass almost all of them.  I can be who I am with my kink friends without wondering if they think I'm weird for wanting to be spanked, and they don't have to worry about me thinking that they're weird for wanting to spank somebody, or to be controlled by somebody.