Sunday, July 17, 2011

Balancing Act

I'm a bad girl. The problem is that knowing that makes me hot. I know I should want to be a good girl, and I do, but hearing him call me a bad girl and getting spanked for it makes me even hotter. It's difficult to follow rules and do what I'm told. I'm stubborn, which makes learning compliance a problem. Embarrassment is effective, but also a turn-on. It's all such a balancing act, be good and don't get spanked except for good girl spankings, or be bad and get punished. Punishment spankings are a deterrent, but again, a turn-on.

He urges me to be good, to do what I'm supposed to, and I want to, but I don't want to. Being punished is hot, after the spanking is over. He likes it when I'm a good girl, but he also likes to spank me hard. I know it turns him on when my butt turns red and I'm fighting against the spanking, to the point of crying. He likes the good girl in me, but punishing me is something he likes too much to want to give up completely. I don't think either of us could give it up, so even if it's been months between punishments, we always go back to it. His threats and growls of impending doom for my poor bare bottom give me a shiver of delight and fear. When I feel his hand on my back, pushing me down on the bed for a spanking, that thrill/panic goes through my whole body. I love those moments, before the pain becomes too much, pushing me over the edge into remorse and tears. The remorse lasts longer than the tears, but not long enough. I become submissive for a short time, the good girl he wants, all compliance and willingness to do what I'm told, but it's fleeting.

Being a bad girl is part of what makes me who I am. I need what comes with that. The helplessness and vulnerability that comes with allowing myself to be punished for being bad give me a surge, heighten my senses. Being a good girl gets me rewards, spankings just because, but those lack the emotion and intensity of being spanked hard until I break. They don't offer the release I get from being spanked until I cry. I want to be a good girl because he wants me to be, but we both like the bad girl, so we have this balancing act, and it works for us.


Indy said...

I can identify with so much of this post. I love the good girl kind of play, but it lacks the intensity of bad girl play. The only problem is, I don't really like to be broken, just to be scared, to endure the pain and to have the endorphin high sneak up on me while I'm recovering.

Jen said...

That's it exactly. Good girl spankings are nice, especially if it's a caning, but it totally lacks the intensity that a punishment spanking does. It's not that I love being broken, it's just what happens every time. LOL I do love the release though.