Friday, June 10, 2011

Overcoming repression

As I wrote the little blurb under the video, and came to the part about being repressed, I realized I could actually write a whole post about it.

I've written about having to hide who I was, and that as a kid I knew not to tell anybody about getting "that funny feeling" when I'd hear about spanking.  Because it was such a deep dark secret, it also made me severely sexually repressed.  It wasn't the ONLY reason, but it was a good part of it.  Even as an adult, until I got online and figured things out, whenever people mentioned anything sexual, I would shut down and act like I didn't want to talk about it.  That was because spanking WAS sex to me, and I thought that if I talked about sex, whoever I was talking to would know what I really wanted.  It was so bad, that until I started dating the man I eventually married, my mother thought I was asexual.  I wasn't, I just couldn't bring myself to show that side of me.  I thought it would make me vulnerable to verbal attack, because at the time I thought it made me a freak to want to be spanked.  I couldn't talk about sex, which was a little odd for somebody in their 20s.  At the time, sex was a very private thing for me, and even joking around about it made me very uncomfortable.

I don't know if other people had the same problem until they came to terms with wanting to spank/be spanked.  I've never really asked anybody, though it would seem to be an obvious topic of discussion in our circles, at least at some point.  We talk about all the other aspects of our sexuality, even if what we do doesn't always involve actual sex.  Some of us don't even involve sex in what we do, because our fantasies don't involve sex.  As much as spanking is VERY sexual for me, my fantasies rarely involve sex.  Maybe that's why I couldn't talk about sex way back when, because spanking made me hot and bothered, but the concept of vanilla sex didn't do anything for me at the time.  While I was married that changed, but before that, it wasn't part of the picture for me.  I was married to a man who was beyond vanilla, who had no imagination, and the couple times I did get him to spank me, I knew he wasn't into it.  I'd told him what I wanted, but I still felt that I was sick to want it, mostly because of his reaction to it.  I had sex while I was married, but I was still repressed.  I had yet to be liberated by my own acceptance of what I wanted/needed and who I truly was.

After my divorce, I went online finally, and found "home" for me.  SSS was the place where I felt more comfortable than I ever had in my entire life up until then.  I explored the things I knew I was into, and eventually realized that I was into more than I had originally thought.  Ageplay originally squicked me so badly that I couldn't read the stories, but then I found a series that made me realize that I had been missing something integral to who I was.  As a kid I'd only known brutality in connection with spanking.  I didn't know that there was supposed to be love and forgiveness associated with it in any way.  Then I read those stories by Noriko, and it opened up a part of myself that had been buried so deep that I didn't know it had existed until then.  Learning that about myself liberated me, making me open up in general, not just about sexuality.  I wasn't repressed anymore, and I went from being an incredibly shy introvert, to being an extrovert who was willing to talk to anybody and everybody,  instead of trying to blend into the woodwork.  People I went to high school with would never believe it's me, and the people I know now don't believe me when I tell them that I was a shy, scared kid even beyond high school.  I'm the person I was always meant to be, and it's so much better than being repressed and afraid that somebody might find out what I'm into.  



just a girl said...

This is so great to read. For me it wasn't spanking per se but submission, power and control or the loss of it. I was afraid of what I wanted and therefore resistant to opening myself up sexually. Although I married quite young (and divorced), sex and orgasm remained confusing to me and unsatisfying until my mid to late twenties. You're not alone!

Jen said...

justagirl, it's good to know that other people had the same problem I did. In my small circle of friends, back when I was a teenager and then a 20 something, EVERYBODY talked about sex, acted like they were into more than they actually were, and generally had no problem with it. I think that made me feel even more isolated. I wished I could be more like them, but I didn't dare say anything.