Sunday, June 26, 2011

Longing-A Poem

I just posted this on the newsgroup for the SSC, but I know that most of the people who read this blog don't read the newsgroup. 


I yearn for your touch,
Your hand on my bottom,
It's been too long since
the last time,
When you changed my
pale skin to red,
And my demeanor from
stubborn to calm,
Making everything right
in the universe.

I need to feel all of it again,
Your belt scorching my skin,
The paddle demanding my
full attention,
All at your command,
I relinquish all control,
Needing only your power
to guide me,
Leading me in the direction
you wish me to go.

I miss these things,
And my longing is becoming
all encompassing.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Over Her Knee Part 2

Part 2

It had been over a month since Jessica's spanking for not cleaning her room, and she was starting to feel what she knew was a false sense of security. She knew that something would happen to warrant another spanking, sooner rather than later. It never failed to happen. She should have remembered that the day her friends invited her out for drinks after work. She hadn't been keeping track of how much she drank, but she felt okay by the time she left the bar. At least she didn't feel all that drunk, but the officer who stopped her on her way home felt differently after he made her get out of her car. She had stumbled out, and standing by the car, she had felt the world start spinning slightly. She tried to talk the officer into letting her go.

Please, I'll go right home, I won't stop anywhere on the way,” she had slurred.

You can't drive in the shape you're in. You're going to the station with me,” the officer said sternly.

I can't, my mother will be so angry if she has to come pick me up. She'll spank me,” Jessica said loudly, and then realized what she had said. She blushed furiously.

Well, from what I can see, you need one,”the officer said, a glint in his eye.

You don't believe me,”Jessica asked.

At your age? Of course I don't believe you,” the officer said.

Jessica was too embarrassed to argue the point. She hadn't meant to say what she had blurted out, and the fact that he didn't believe her at least allowed her keep her dignity. He probably just thought she was too drunk to think of a good excuse, she thought. She knew that what she had said was all too true though, and her stomach did violent flips, almost making her sick to her stomach. She didn't want to call her mother, because she would hear The Tone more than what her mother would say. The Tone that meant that she probably wasn't going to be sitting any time in the near future. Something this big would bring much worse consequences than even the shoplifting had. She was a grown woman now, much too old to do something this stupid, and she knew she was going to pay for it with the sorest bare bottom she had ever experienced in her whole life. The shoplifting incident would seem mild compared to what her mother would do to her for this.

Two hours later, as she sat in the police station, she saw her mother walk authoritatively through the door. She looked as strict as Jessica knew that she was. She wanted to sink into the floor, and tried to avoid looking at her mother as she approached.

You stay here while I take care of things.”

Jessica looked up at her mother, and felt those eyes bore straight into her. She looked away as fast as she could as her mother walked to the desk to talk to the officer in charge. Soon, with all the formalities taken care of, Jessica was in the car on the way home to her doom.

I hope you realize that you're in more trouble than you've ever been in. Your blood alcohol level was .10! Do you realize what could have happened if you had been in an accident? I can't let this go with just a simple spanking. You will go to work, but since you can't drive, I will drive you to and from work. You will not leave the house without me. A lawyer may be able to get your license back right away, but until further notice, you are not allowed to ask for it. I will let you know when I think you can be trusted again, and only then will you be allowed to get your license back. You will be spanked every day until your case goes to court. I asked the officer, and he said that could take at least a month. Today and tomorrow you will be spanked multiple times, including bedtime spankings. After tomorrow you will get the bedtime spanking every day. Those spankings will occur just before your new bedtime, which will be much earlier, until further notice. When we get home, you will go to your room, you will remove your pants and your panties, and you will stand in the corner to wait for your first spanking. Once you take your pants and panties off, it will be up to me when you will be allowed to wear them again in the house. You will be bare from the waist down until I decide you've learned your lesson. You will also only be allowed to sit on one of the hard kitchen chairs, even in the living room. You are going to be one very sorry girl.”

Yes, Ma'am,”Jessica mumbled. The thought of everything her mother had just said took her breath away. The effects of the alcohol had been clouding her mind until her mother's words had hit her like ice water. She knew that her mother would have no problem treating her like a very naughty ten year old, and she knew what that meant. Spankings before she had been a teenager had been humiliating in more ways than one. She hadn't been allowed to wear anything from the waist down after a spanking for at least an hour, so that her bare bottom had been on display. Being the only child of a single mother meant that there was no one else to witness her humiliation, but that hadn't lessened it at all. That rule had changed when she had developed physically, but she knew that her mother wasn't above changing that for something this serious. She knew she deserved to be spanked, but she wasn't sure how she would handle being spanked every day for the foreseeable future, especially under the new rules.

When they pulled up into the driveway, Jessica's heart started to race. Her doom was now at hand, just on the other side of that door. She wanted to walk as slowly as she could, to delay things just a little, but she knew that her mother would spank her even more for that. She wondered just how many spankings she would get over the next two days. There was no stopping her mother from deciding that she would be spanked all day the next day, considering that the next day was Saturday. It was still light outside, and as she walked to the front door she swore that the neighbors knew what had happened, and what was about to happen. She suddenly wondered if anyone could hear what went on inside the house during her spankings. She had never thought about it before, but her spankings were normally over in a matter of a few minutes.

Once inside the door, she was halfway down the hallway to her room when her mother stopped her. She walked back, wondering what was about to change.

Remove your pants and panties right here. I'm going to take them so that you aren't tempted to put them back on later. I'm going to remove all your pants and panties from your room, along with your robe and most of your shirts. You can keep the ones that are too short to cover your bottom. I will give you clothes to wear every morning before work, but I won't have you trying to cover up your bottom, even when you're alone in your room. I want you to think about what you did, and keeping your bottom bare for the next month or so will make sure that happens. You won't be able to pretend that none of this is happening, that you're going to have to face a judge in a courtroom because you were incapable of making the right decision at your age.”

Jessica looked at her mother, but she knew she wouldn't change her mind. She blushed so deeply that she could feel it in her chest. Her mother had pulled her pants down so many times over the years, so this wasn't the first time, but it had been decades since she had been forced to be bare for longer than a spanking took. Now, except for work, she would be bare from the waist down for weeks at best, months at worst. She couldn't look her mother in the eye, keeping her head down as she removed her pants, reluctantly and slowly removed her panties, and handed them both to her mother. She turned quickly and ran to her room, knowing what her mother saw as she ran away. She closed her door and went to the corner, where she stood waiting for her mother to come and spank her.

Jessica didn't know how long she had been standing there, but she knew that it was longer than it should have been. Her mother wasn't one to make her wait very long for a spanking. When she did finally hear her mother's footsteps coming toward her room, she wished that she had more time. The door opened, and she heard her mother walk to the middle of the room. She expected to hear her desk chair being moved to the center of the room, but the almost comforting sound of what was to come was conspicuously absent. Jessica was suddenly afraid of the spanking she was about to get for the first time in a long time.

Turn around, Jessica,”her mother said sternly.

Jessica turned around, realizing how exposed she was, and her blood ran cold at the sight of what her mother held in her hand. It was a switch, long and thin, and as evil looking a thing as Jessica had ever seen. Her mother had planted the birch tree in the back yard when Jessica had been a little girl. She had told her how her own mother had used a switch on her when she had misbehaved, and she had told Jessica that she would use one on her if she was ever so naughty that nothing else would work. Well, this is pretty much the worst thing I've ever done, she thought. She shivered as she stood there, from fear more than from the fact that she was mostly naked. She watched as her mother moved the two pillows from the head of the bed to the middle.

I want you over those pillows right now, young lady. This is going to be something you're never going to forget.”

Jessica's legs felt leaden as she walked to the bed, and placed herself over the pillows. As many spankings as her mother had given her over the years, she had never felt the switch and didn't know what to expect.

She heard her mother come up next to the bed, and heard the switch cut through the air. The next thing she knew there was a line of fire across her bare bottom. She cried out, something she never did, but it had taken her by surprise. That cry barely had a chance to die away before the next stroke hit just below the first. Another line of fire, another cry. She didn't know how she would make it through whatever her mother was going to do to her with that switch. Her mother continued to whip her with it, and soon all she could do was lie there with her mouth open, no sound coming out. Her entire bottom was on fire, and she had stopped being able to feel each line separately. She lost count of how many strokes of the switch her mother had laid on her bare bottom. She couldn't think about that or anything else, there was just the white hot pain.

She didn't even notice at first when her mother stopped whipping her with the switch. Not until she felt her mother smooth back her hair and stroke her head did she realize that the agony was over. At that touch, she knew that her mother wasn't doing this because she hated her or wanted her to hurt. She was doing it to teach her that she needed to suffer the consequences of her very stupid decision to drink and then drive. As much as her bottom hurt, she loved her mother right then more than she had realized in a long time.

Rest now, and I'll be back later,”her mother said softly, and left the room. Before the door was closed, Jessica was asleep.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Need Feedback To Finish Over Her Knee Story

A few nights ago I posted the first part of a story that got enough positive comments that I decided to continue it.  A couple nights ago I got a really good idea for a way to progress the story, but I need some feedback first.  Is there such a thing as too much when it comes to punishment if the actual spankings aren't over the top?  Is there a number of spankings per day/week that would be ridiculous?  The idea I have is for a major infraction that leads directly to legal trouble.  In my fantasies, things ratchet up pretty fast, but this is a story that isn't just for my enjoyment, so I don't want it to become silly.  What I have so far is only severe as far as length of time that she'd be punished.  Where I got hung up was in the number of spankings per day.  What's a legitimate number and what's over the top?  I don't normally write out my fantasies because of this problem, and even though this isn't one of my fantasies, this second part could approach that over the top level fast if I don't control it.  I need to know what YOU think, because so far, part two is REALLY good. : )

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Another story: Learning to Ask

Jessie just wanted time to herself, but all she got was more stress. It was getting so that she couldn’t think straight. She couldn’t even manage to spend time with Stella anymore, and it was starting to put a strain on their relationship. They had always said they wouldn’t let the world get in the way, but with Jessie’s class load and Stella’s recent spell of overtime, the world loomed large. Stella seemed to be able to handle it, but Jessie tended to let things build up until the pressure got the better of her. Stella had her special way of making sure things didn’t get to that level most of the time, but the overtime had made it difficult for her to take charge in her usual manner. Jessie found herself snapping at Stella more and more often, and she was starting to notice Stella giving her that warning look, but she couldn’t seem to control herself anymore. She needed Stella to take her in hand. She just couldn’t ask for it.

While waiting for Stella to come home from work one night, Jessie became increasingly agitated. She felt as though Stella cared more about her work than their relationship. She knew that they needed the money, what with Stella allowing her to go back to school full time to get her degree, but she still felt slighted. By the time Stella came through the door, all Jessie could do was glare at her and stomp around the house, banging dishes and glasses on the table as she set it. Dinner was eaten without a word spoken, after Stella’s initial attempts at conversation were met by Jessie’s cold stares.

After dinner Stella finally broke the stony silence. “What’s up, Jessie” she asked.

“Like you don’t know,” Jessie said curtly. She stood defiantly in the middle of the living room, facing Stella, who sat on the couch.

“No, I don’t know, and I’d like to. I can tell you’re upset about something, but you haven’t really told me anything in days. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong,” Stella said.

Jessie really looked at Stella for the first time that night, without the veil of anger in front of her eyes. “I thought you didn’t care anymore,” she said quietly, “All you ever do now is work.”

Stella sighed, stood up, and walked over to Jessie. “I’m sorry if it seems like I’ve been ignoring you. I just couldn’t turn down the overtime if we’re going to make a go of this. Why didn’t you say something before this if it’s been bothering you so much,” she asked, raising one eyebrow.

Jessie knew what that raised eyebrow meant, and her bottom cheeks clenched in anticipation. Stella would definitely spank her for allowing things to get to this point. Stella hated it when Jessie played the petulant child, allowing emotions to rule instead of logic.

“I didn’t realize it first, and then when I did it was too late. School has been so hectic that I was already stressed out, and not having you to come to made it worse,” Jessie said, pleading her case. She had a feeling it wouldn’t work.

“You know that when your stress level is starting to build that you’re supposed to let me know so that we can deal with it. I’m not going to lecture you though, because I know what you really need is a good hard spanking, not words,” Stella said.

Jessie looked into Stella’s eyes, and knew she deserved to be spanked. She needed to learn not to let things get her so upset. She had to learn to trust that Stella wouldn’t just stop caring about her. She had to learn so many things.

Stella led her back to the couch, and sat down. She unzipped Jessie’s jeans, tugged them down to her knees, and her panties followed. Jessie trembled as the cold air, and a little shame at having acted so silly washed over her. She surrendered easily as Stella took her hand and led her to kneel on the couch. Jessie laid herself across Stella’s lap, wanting to show Stella that she was willing to accept the punishment.

Stella didn’t spare Jessie at all, even from the start. She spanked hard and fast, too fast for Jessie’s liking. She started kicking and yelling, completely forgetting that she had planned on accepting the punishment. She couldn’t get on top of the pain, it was just too overwhelming. She fought against it, which she knew she shouldn’t do, but she couldn’t help it. She twisted and tried to free herself, all to no avail. Stella’s grip was much stronger than Jessie’s attempts, and all Jessie succeeded in doing was wearing herself out.

Just when Jessie thought it would be over, she felt Stella stop and reach over to the end table next to the couch. She wondered what Stella was doing, but not for long. The hairbrush smacking down on her bare bottom answered her unspoken question, and she renewed her thrashing. The spanking continued until Jessie gave up and lay sobbing across Stella’s knees. Stella rubbed Jessie’s back, calming her down.

“Now, have you learned to ask me for a spanking when you start to get stressed out,” Stella asked.

“Yes Ma’am,” Jessie said, trying not to sound too pathetic.

“Good. Hopefully you’ll remember this the next time. Now come on, it’s time for bed,” Stella said.

Jessie stood up, painfully, and gratefully followed Stella into the bedroom, where they were finally able to shut the world out once again.

Should I continue this story?

I found this partial story that I'd started back in 2008.  It has potential, but I'd like input from people who read my blog. 

Over Her Knee

Jessica's bottom hurt so much that she had to ease herself down carefully to sit on the chair. She knew it would hurt to sit, but not as much as it did once her bottom made contact with the hard wood. She had to sit on her bare bottom, which was very red and sore because of the spanking she had just endured. She didn't know how she would sit for fifteen minutes, but that was the rule. She was feeling very sorry for herself as the heat and pain in her bottom was made worse by the chair pressing into it. She struggled not to squirm too much, because she knew that would earn her another hard spanking.

The whole situation was made worse by the fact that it was her mother who had spanked her. After pulling down Jessica's pants and panties, her mother had put her over her knee and had paddled Jessica's bare bottom with the big hairbrush until it was bright red and Jessica was crying her eyes out. It would've been bad enough if Jessica had been a teenager, but she was a grown woman. She still lived at home, and she knew she wasn't always the most attentive to things she should do around the house, but to be spanked on her bare bottom over her mother's knee like she was a six year old girl was too embarrassing to think about. Right then all she could think about was the sting and ache in her bottom. Fifteen minutes felt like an hour.

Just when she thought she was going to jump off the chair, the reprieve came. “Okay, you can get up now. Go to your room and start cleaning, but no rubbing. You know what will happen if I catch you rubbing your bottom,” her mother warned.

Yes, she knew what would happen if her mother caught her rubbing her sore bottom. After her last spanking two weeks earlier, she had thought she was safely out of sight and had dared to rub the sting away. Her mother had turned the corner in the hallway and had seen her standing in her room furiously rubbing her red bare bottom. Her mother had grabbed her roughly by the arm and had marched her straight into the living room where she had found herself once again over her mother's knee, being paddled even harder than her first spanking, and for much longer. Jessica cried much sooner and for a long time after the spanking was over. She wasn't going to risk that again.

“Can I lay on my bed on my stomach,” Jessica asked. She knew the answer, but she had to try.

“No, you may not, young lady. You're still being punished. I'll be in there in half an hour to check your progress, and if I think you haven't done enough cleaning, you'll get another spanking. This time it won't be with the hairbrush, it'll be with the belt,” her mother threatened.

Jessica went to her room and started cleaning. Her bottom hurt so much that bending over to reach the floor hurt just as much as sitting on the chair had. She knew that her mother meant for that to be a reminder for her as she cleaned, but it made it difficult to do what she was supposed to do. If she couldn't clean fast enough she knew that the belt was in her very near future. She had been spanked with the belt a month ago, having sworn at her mother during a fight. She hadn't been able to sit for three days afterward, and had learned her lesson. She wouldn't be swearing at her mother again, that was for sure. She just hoped she could avoid the belt this time.

When Jessica heard her mother's footsteps approaching her bedroom, her stomach did flips. She knew that her mother would never accept the amount of cleaning she had managed in the half hour since her spanking. Her bottom cheeks clenched at the thought of the belt.

“Do you think you've done a good enough job in here,” her mother asked, giving Jessica the look that said she had better say no.

“No, Ma'am,” Jessica said, not able to look her mother in the eye.

“What did I say was going to happen if you didn't do a good job cleaning, young lady,” her mother asked.

“That you would spank me with the belt,”Jessica mumbled.

“Speak up, young lady.”

“That you would spank me with the belt,” Jessica said louder, embarrassed at hearing the words.

“And that's just what is about to happen,” her mother said as she placed two pillows on the edge of the bed, “Now bend over and don't you dare reach back to cover your bottom.”

Jessica bent over the pillows, which she knew made her bare bottom a perfect target. She could barely reach the floor, and she always felt so helpless in this position. She heard the clink of the belt buckle as her mother doubled the belt. She tried to be ready for it, but nothing could ever really prepare her for just how much it hurt. The first lick of the leather across her her bottom took her breath away, and the rest of the spanking was so fast that she couldn't get it back. She gasped and struggled and twisted around, trying to get away from the spanking. Bending over with her bare bottom high in the air, she was completely vulnerable. The spanking continued, and as always happened, Jessica started to cry. She wished it would mean the end of the spanking, but her mother would keep whipping her bottom with the belt until she had decided that Jessica had learned her lesson. A belt spanking from her mother was never a short occurrence. Her mother spanked for a very long time, and Jessica cried harder and harder. She finally stopped struggling, and her mother stopped spanking her, but she swore she could still feel the belt across her bottom.

“Now, are you going to clean your room the way you're supposed to? If not, I can spank you again. I'm sure another good dose of the hairbrush and belt will make sure that you do what you're told,” her mother said.

Jessica's breath hitched as she spoke. “I'll do what I'm supposed to. I'm sorry I was being lazy.”
“Good,” her mother said, “I'm sorry I had to spank you so hard, but I told you that if you didn't do what you were told that I would spank you again. A promise is a promise, and when I promise to spank you for misbehavior, I keep my promise, don't I?”

“Yes, Ma'am. Thank you for teaching me a lesson. I know I'll be a good girl now,”Jessica said, her very sore bottom making her mean every word that she said.

“I'm glad. I want you to be my good girl,” her mother said, and kissed Jessica on the forehead just like she had every time she had ever spanked her since she was a girl. It meant that she was forgiven. Even though the spankings hurt enough to make her cry, she felt better afterward, because she knew she was a good girl again.

As she cleaned her room, Jessica thought back to when she was a teenager and her mother had informed her that just because she was in high school, that didn't mean that she was too old to be taken over the knee for a long hard spanking on her bare bottom when needed. Jessica had protested, saying that yes, she was much too old for a spanking, especially on the bare bottom. She had yelled and stomped her foot and had told her mother that in no uncertain terms would she submit to even one more spanking. Her mother had then proceeded to take her firmly by the arm, yanking her pants and panties down with one arm while putting her unceremoniously over her knee. Jessica then got the spanking of her life, with the hairbrush for a solid ten minutes. Her protests had stopped fairly quickly, because she knew she was no match for her mother, and that her mother would just keep her over her knee spanking her until Jessica had absolutely no fight left in her. Jessica was soon reduced to a blubbering mass of quivering girl flesh, her bottom so sore that sitting was the last thing she wanted to do. That was when her mother started the ritual of making her sit on her sore bare bottom on the hard wooden chair for fifteen minutes. Her mother told her that since she was a teenager, stronger methods were obviously required. It took Jessica three more spankings and half an hour before she sat for the full fifteen minutes without jumping up from the pain in her sore bottom. Her mother had been insistent that this was the way it would be from then on, and that Jessica needed to learn to do what she was told or suffer the consequences.

That had been over two decades ago, and nothing had changed. Her mother might be more willing to use the belt for a second spanking when necessary, but that was the only change in all the years that Jessica had been spanked.

For the next week, Jessica had trouble sitting. Her mother had spanked her hard enough with the hairbrush and the belt to leave bruises on her sit spots, right where her mother wanted them. She knew that if it hurt for Jessica to sit for at least a few days, then the lesson would be learned that much faster. The worst lesson she had ever had to learn was when she was 16. Her mother had caught her shoplifting, and when the only excuse Jessica could come up with was that she had never been caught before, she hadn't been able to sit for a month. Her mother had spanked her with the belt every day for two weeks, and the bruises had lasted for almost twice that long. Her mother had wanted to impress upon her the seriousness of what she had done, and Jessica never shoplifted again.

Not being able to sit for a week was a minor inconvenience compared to that punishment, even if it meant that she had to pretend that there was nothing wrong when she went to work. It was difficult to sit without wincing in pain, but she had to try. Nobody could ever find out that she was still spanked on her bare bottom by her mother at her age, and especially not on a regular basis. She would never be able to live it down. 

 To be continued?  Let me know!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Overcoming repression

As I wrote the little blurb under the video, and came to the part about being repressed, I realized I could actually write a whole post about it.

I've written about having to hide who I was, and that as a kid I knew not to tell anybody about getting "that funny feeling" when I'd hear about spanking.  Because it was such a deep dark secret, it also made me severely sexually repressed.  It wasn't the ONLY reason, but it was a good part of it.  Even as an adult, until I got online and figured things out, whenever people mentioned anything sexual, I would shut down and act like I didn't want to talk about it.  That was because spanking WAS sex to me, and I thought that if I talked about sex, whoever I was talking to would know what I really wanted.  It was so bad, that until I started dating the man I eventually married, my mother thought I was asexual.  I wasn't, I just couldn't bring myself to show that side of me.  I thought it would make me vulnerable to verbal attack, because at the time I thought it made me a freak to want to be spanked.  I couldn't talk about sex, which was a little odd for somebody in their 20s.  At the time, sex was a very private thing for me, and even joking around about it made me very uncomfortable.

I don't know if other people had the same problem until they came to terms with wanting to spank/be spanked.  I've never really asked anybody, though it would seem to be an obvious topic of discussion in our circles, at least at some point.  We talk about all the other aspects of our sexuality, even if what we do doesn't always involve actual sex.  Some of us don't even involve sex in what we do, because our fantasies don't involve sex.  As much as spanking is VERY sexual for me, my fantasies rarely involve sex.  Maybe that's why I couldn't talk about sex way back when, because spanking made me hot and bothered, but the concept of vanilla sex didn't do anything for me at the time.  While I was married that changed, but before that, it wasn't part of the picture for me.  I was married to a man who was beyond vanilla, who had no imagination, and the couple times I did get him to spank me, I knew he wasn't into it.  I'd told him what I wanted, but I still felt that I was sick to want it, mostly because of his reaction to it.  I had sex while I was married, but I was still repressed.  I had yet to be liberated by my own acceptance of what I wanted/needed and who I truly was.

After my divorce, I went online finally, and found "home" for me.  SSS was the place where I felt more comfortable than I ever had in my entire life up until then.  I explored the things I knew I was into, and eventually realized that I was into more than I had originally thought.  Ageplay originally squicked me so badly that I couldn't read the stories, but then I found a series that made me realize that I had been missing something integral to who I was.  As a kid I'd only known brutality in connection with spanking.  I didn't know that there was supposed to be love and forgiveness associated with it in any way.  Then I read those stories by Noriko, and it opened up a part of myself that had been buried so deep that I didn't know it had existed until then.  Learning that about myself liberated me, making me open up in general, not just about sexuality.  I wasn't repressed anymore, and I went from being an incredibly shy introvert, to being an extrovert who was willing to talk to anybody and everybody,  instead of trying to blend into the woodwork.  People I went to high school with would never believe it's me, and the people I know now don't believe me when I tell them that I was a shy, scared kid even beyond high school.  I'm the person I was always meant to be, and it's so much better than being repressed and afraid that somebody might find out what I'm into.  


Kinky song

One of the 30 days of kink is to post a kinky song or video.  For me, this song was the first time I'd heard anything even remotely in tune with where my brain was as far as kink, considering it was 21 years ago.  I first heard it when I was with a vanilla friend, so I couldn't react to it the way I would have liked to, but later on I went back and listened to it intently.  I knew how much Madonna pushed the envelope when it came to sexuality, so it gave me a thrill, but at the time, being as repressed as I was, I didn't allow it to guide me to look for actual real life people around me who might be into spanking. 

Friday, June 3, 2011

A Kinky activity I'd like to try

I have once again run out of ideas for blog posts, so going back to the 30 days of kink plan.  This one I've been kicking around for a while.  Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

That's definitely ageplay.  I've done some superficial play, some on the phone, and one roleplay scene that wasn't as deep as I might have wanted it, because the age difference wasn't stressed all that much.  I'd like to explore it more fully, because the one scene I did on the phone was so amazing that it made me cry by the end of it.  I want to do that in person, to feel the safety and fulfillment that only physical proximity can give.  My childhood didn't offer the kind of safety a girl is supposed to feel with her father, which may be why I want to experience a scene with somebody who is comfortable with playing Daddy or uncle, even to a teenage me.  If possible I'd like a chance to play younger, but it's not essential.  It's the feelings that an ageplay scene can evoke more than wanting to be a little girl.  I've fantasized about both kinds, so either would work for me.  I know what a good Daddy is supposed to be like, even if I've never actually experienced that in real life.  I want to experience it, I want to feel safe in Daddy's arms after I've been spanked and forgiven.  I could get into just how bad things were in my childhood, that I never experienced the second part of that, and never knew that it was supposed to be part of the equation.  That you NEED to be forgiven afterwards, because if you aren't, then you just start believing that you really are a bad girl.  It took years to unlearn that, but I succeeded, and now that I'm a whole, strong, confident woman in my own right, I want to have the second part of the equation.  I want a loving Daddy or uncle to spank me because it's what's best for me in whatever situation we decide to roleplay, and then to forgive me and tell me I'm a good girl again.  To hug me and make me feel like even though I misbehaved, it doesn't make me a bad girl forever, just until I've been punished. 

I do like the idea of playing at being a little girl at least once, to just let go of all the grown up parts of my psyche that I've acquired over the past four decades.  To trust somebody enough to know that they would keep me safe, even if it includes a very red, very sore bare bottom.  I've talked about it, but haven't had the ability to actually live it yet.  One day I'm going to, it just might take a little time to work out the logistics.