Saturday, May 7, 2011

Another 30 Days of Kink post

I've looked over the list of ideas for posts, and I just don't seem to have anything to say about some of them.  My experiences are limited in some ways, not having a person here to spank me all the time.  But this one idea did stand out for me.  What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?  I think the most difficult part is having to hide so much about who I really am.  I'm not talking about telling people I know everything I do.  Most vanilla people can make comments that have nothing to do with their personal situation and nobody thinks twice about it.  If I were to make a spanking comment that had nothing to do with my situation, but was just a general comment, there are a lot of people who would think differently about me.  When I first got online and my mom found out and didn't hate me for it, I thought that it would be okay if some of my friends knew.  Well, some of them were totally cool with it, and it didn't affect how they thought about me, but one older friend, who treated me like her own daughter and who I THOUGHT loved me unconditionally, turned her back on me.  Even knowing that I'd been that way since before she'd known me, which was since I was six years old, didn't help the situation.  It was difficult getting over being shunned, but it taught me that not everyone could know who I really am.  Relatives don't know, that's much too risky.  If I was a lesbian I could tell most, if not all the people I know, and it would be okay.  Kink, on the other hand, still has to be hidden for the most part.  I'm on Facebook and Twitter, but I can't go on Twitter under my own name because then relatives and people from work would be able to find me.  I use Twitter for the kink side of my life.  Not ONLY for that, but I can't mention any of it on Facebook.  It's like the two parts of me can never come together, except in very specific company.  I love the times when I can get together with people of a like mind, and feel free to talk about toys and spanking positions and how I love it when it hurts to sit after a spanking.  Most of the time I have to be the vanilla version of myself, and that's okay, but it's not the whole me.  The times I can let loose and not worry about everything I say are some of my favorite times.  For me, that's the most difficult part of having this kink.   

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