Thursday, February 17, 2011

On Embarrassment

Those in the spanking scene who really know me, also know that it's next to impossible to embarrass me.  In a play scene, anything goes.  Being bared for a spanking in front of people I don't know has no impact on me at parties.  Play mode is great, I can do anything, handle anything, and it amazes people that I have no fear.  Friends have taken it as a challenge to find something that would embarrass me.  Doesn't work in play mode. 

But then there's punishment mode.  It's a very intense mindset for me.  To know that G. is going to punish me because I've decided not to do something he thinks I should.  It's never anything trivial, he doesn't punish for imaginary things, and never for anything I would resent him for.  There's almost nothing he would punish me for these days anyway, the rules I had in the beginning don't really exist anymore.  He doesn't micromanage things either, so I don't have to worry about what I wear or who I talk to.  These days it's mostly attitude, like if I go the brat route a little too long.  I know he doesn't like it, but sometimes I'm in that mood where I want to be spanked, and not in a playful way.  It's just how things go. 

When I'm in this mindset, when I know I've pushed too far or disappointed him in some way (the latter doesn't happen these days but did in the early days), then it's possible for me to be embarrassed.  Not only possible, but pretty much automatic.  I think it has to do with the fact that when I'm in that mindset, I'm completely vulnerable emotionally.  It clicks into a totally different part of my being.  If he were to tell me, while I'm in that mindset, that he was going to spank me in front of anybody else, the level of embarrassment would be very high.  In punishment situations I don't have control over ANYTHING, including when my pants come down.  Knowing that I would be bared in front of anybody else, who would know I was being punished and not just spanked for the heck of it, would make me cringe almost visibly.  Just the idea of it sends that panic feeling through me. 

Of course, this means that some of my fantasies involve some sort of embarrassment in those situations.  The idea of anything like that happening is hot.  How can it not be?  The thrill/panic of being seen, or of being made to do something embarrassing in a partially nude state.  Fuel for the fire, as it were.  So most of me wants it to never ever happen in reality, but there's that little part of me that wants it.  Wants things to happen that I have no control over, to have my pants and panties pulled down with other people in the room, knowing that this isn't a play scene, that it's for real, a real spanking that will make me cry.  That's the other thing.  I only cry during punishment spankings.  I can get spanked all day in play mode, and it will never effect me emotionally.  I know, I've done it.  But let G. decide that he needs to take me in hand for some reason, and the power he has, that nobody else knows about, comes out.  Very soon I end up a blubbering mess.  It wouldn't matter who else was in the room at the time, it's inevitable.  To be reduced to that in front of witnesses, them seeing my bare red bottom and seeing how submissive and compliant I become, would make it difficult to face them again after it was all over.  I don't want it to happen.  It would be far too embarrassing, and they would know a part of me that only G. knows.  That's too embarrassing, but too hot not to contemplate!

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